Covid-Ode Weeks 51 and counting!


Off to a flying start this week with something really shocking
A telephone box in Hampshire is being used for stocking
Unwanted books for you to take to read at home for pleasure
Reading is an ideal way to fill your hours of leisure
With titles wide and varied from non-fiction to exotic
But someone has been leaving books which could be termed erotic
A proposal has been made to watch the kiosk every day
So tough luck on the reader who seeks Fifty Shades of Grey
A meteorite in a garden has caused a real to-do
The house owners thought that someone had tipped out a barbecue
But it’s a very rare and precious type, hardly ever seen
Only 22 in 400 years, a Meteorite Scientists dream
I really felt elated when I heard the welcome news
That restrictions would soon be lifted we would be allowed to choose
How to live when we are free, enjoy the things that we remember
But Chris Whitty says that he predicts a big resurge in September
Oh! Professor Whitty, I feel frustrated, full of rage
I can’t live my remaining years ‘trapped in a gilded cage’
With Easter round the corner can we enjoy our age old habits
Pace egg rolling, egg hunting, Easter chicks and chocolate rabbits
At the moment we all look ahead with great anticipation
And hope that everyone will get their Covid vaccination
But if we’re all locked down again I will not think it’s funny
In fact I know I will become a very HOT CROSS BUNNY


The Covid Anniversary and nothing much has changed
Still in lockdown, going nowhere, no future plans arranged
The Vaccination Programme is moving on apace
Which hopefully will give us all the confidence to face
Change which could be permanent in the way we live each day
Now I’ll get down off my soapbox, much cheerier things to say
We went to Wickes on Sunday to look at garden fences
Bob was not very happy about avoidable expenses
But the hedge has died it looks a mess, it’s time to pull it out
It will look good when it is done of that there is no doubt.
He had the bit between his teeth, before 8 was out of bed
And with determination he was heading for the shed
Complete with secateurs and loppers wheelbarrow and spade
He approached the ailing hedge and the first attack was made
I will leave him to get on, stay clear for an hour or maybe two
Then go out to reward him with a very well earned brew
The UK is so ageist it seems no matter what you do
They ask the same old question, which is ‘How old are you?’
When an Amazon delivery arrived the other day
Bob shouted to me up the stairs, “Come down straight away
And bring your Passport with you because this chap needs to see
Your date of birth etcetera” , this came as news to me
The young chap then remarked “I see you were born in’41
Me and my delivery mates have a competition on
For the earliest birth date on their round but the prize has sadly gone
Because a customer born in ’35 has pipped us at the post”
(But the package of Zambucca was what bothered me the most)
A shock for all those numerous folk who love Monopoly
The plan is to adapt it to the 21st century
The following changes are proposed, the game won’t be the same
Bank error in your favour and Tax refund won’t remain
No opening the Community Chest or winning a Beauty Show
Will you be disappointed if to Jail you cannot go
Is nothing sacred in this world, it makes me feel afraid
Of that dreaded term so overused, “Socially Aware Upgrade”


We both have had our 2nd jabs, we could soon be on our way
With vaccine passports in our hands, bring on that happy day
Plus a booster in September for the Over 70’s crowd
To add to their protection once social gathering is allowed
I heard a funny story on the radio yesterday
A man went for his 1st jab the vaccinator she did say
“In which arm would you like the jab” , he replied “Oh I don’t know”
When asked which side he slept on he said “Next to the window”
Has there been a plague of moths , because recently I have seen
Numerous holes around the legs of people wearing jeans
Do you know what happened, have they had a nasty trip
I cannot think of anything to cause denim to rip
Imagine then the horror when a teenager did find
Her gran had ‘mended’ all the holes because she thought it would be kind
Having trouble buying online, well this one takes the biscuit
When you hear this tale you might decide that you won’t risk it
A man ordered some trainers from a well known company
And when he opened up the box, guess what he did see
Two shoes, both right footed, he returned them right away
A replacement pair were sent to him, arriving the next day
Imagine his frustration they were both for the left feet
He sent them back and requested that they his order did delete
He searched again and re-ordered from a reputable store
They were delivered very rapidly, he could not have asked for more
Shock, horror after all this time he did not know what he should do
When the contents were revealed, they had sent one solitary shoe!


Last week we got the sun beds out and found a sheltered space
Comfy cushions, g and t’s and windbreaks all in place
What a treat, Spring’s here at last, the wind’s no longer blowing
But Easter Monday has arrived and, guess what, it’s been snowing
Our garden’s looking colourful but I spotted a few weeds
I got out the electric zapper and set to work at speed
This time last year I did the same and Bob gave me a rocket
Once again it’s overheated and melted plug and socket
A peaceful walk on the canal, lots of lovely things to see
But what a shock when both of us noticed in a tree
A dead dove trapped in fishing line, to save him ‘twas too late
And perched upon a nearby branch his sad and lonely mate
The Nanny State’s at work again, have they nothing else to do
But dish out warnings left and right to protect me and you
If you buy an electric kettle, now this one’s hard to beat
Please heed the WARNING, this appliance generates heat
All the pubs are working hard, new garden space creating
Heaters, awnings all in place, we are all anticipating
Conversation, food and drink, precious time together
And keep your fingers crossed that we are blessed with some good weather
Groups are going camping maybe they’ve never been before
For them a new experience living out of doors
How nice to have the freedom and lovely places they can roam
But why on earth do they forget to take their litter home
Someone asked me the other day how long can you go on
Writing weekly odes for us now that a year has gone
When Boris lifts the lockdown, that could be June or maybe July
That’s the time when I will wish you all a fond Goodbye


The sun has got his hat on, let’s shout hip hip hooray
Next time I look it’s snowing, so I can’t go out to play
Bob’s bean plants in the greenhouse are dead as dead can be
And the frost has decimated all the magnolia trees
All those beautiful Spring blossoms are “browned off”, aren’t we all
But next week they’re easing lockdown and our first port of call
Will be to meet up at our local pub with friends and dine alfresco
Get out the thermals, cosy rugs and before you know, hey presto
Those lockdown blues, felt by us all will thankfully retreat
A hairdo and a shopping trip you simply cannot beat
The fence is going in this week we’re busy digging out
All the ancient hedge roots, it’s hard work there is no doubt
Bob is a drystone waller and has his own routine
He uses string to keep things straight, he’s very, VERY keen
We needed to cut back some shrubs, they were ready for the chopper
So I immediately set to work with my sharp and sturdy lopper
I thought to myself, you should be proud, you’ve done a sterling job
But someone was watching over me, it happened to be Bob
“Whatever were you thinking, you’ve done a stupid thing”
Whilst chopping all the branches you’ve cut through my flaming string!!”
Sad news about Prince Philip as he approached his century
His failing health meant his Big Day was never meant to be


A visit to our local pub on Monday afternoon
Checking in was complex but it couldn’t be too soon
To sit in sunshine with good friends and catch up on their news
A lovely way to spend our time, dispel the Covid blues
But as usual, where I’m concerned, thereby hangs a tale
At 10pm that night at home I searched and sadly failed
To find my handbag, purse and phone, wherever could they be
Then all at once I realised, I took them all with me
I rang the pub, no answer, so Bob said ‘Never mind
I’ll run you down there, take a look, and see what we can find’
He went into the garden whilst I waited nervously
The security lights lit up and through the window I could see
A face, it was the barman, he opened up the door
I apologised profusely, told him what we’d both come for
What colour is your bag, said he, I said that it was black
“Is this the one?” he said, Thank heavens!! I got my handbag back

Do you watch Line of Duty, we view it constantly
Sometimes it just does not make sense, it is all Greek to me
Quote “we can keep it on the DL, we’ve got a chiz in M.I.T”
Confusing jargon for us all and made worse when I see
Steve Arnott as a copper in the serial called Traces
Which programme am I watching, I am confused by the same faces

I will finish on a humorous note, we need a bit of fun
You’ll never guess what Swiss ecology researchers have just done
A thousand pairs of knickers have been buried countrywide
To be unearthed in a few months and this will be a guide
When examined in fine detail they will be in a position
To visualise soil processes by measuring decomposition


I’m running out of steam what can I write about this week,
Perhaps ‘Cummings and goings’ inside 10 Downing Street
Or the Queen’s complaints about noisy planes over her Windsor home
Perhaps they’ll solve the problem and install a no fly zone
A bit of fun in Primark stores, you cannot try things on
But the days of personal privacy it seems have simply gone
They’re stripping off on the shop floor and all this in full view
Twirling amongst the mirrors, is there nothing they won’t do
An update now on Covid, if you’ve lost your sense of smell
Get involved with new brain-training and all should turn out well
The secret is to try and sniff 4 different smells each day
And hopefully your problem will quickly go away
I read today that it’s been proved rats spread C-O-V-I-D
Since you’re never far away from one, bad news for you and me
BUT! Good news, by summer’s end we can throw our masks away
And Covid passports may allow us ‘thespians’ to pay
A long awaited visit to a concert or a play
And singers are simply longing for that much awaited day
When they can activate their vocal chords and sing the blues away
Only 6 weeks now until our cruise, the thing I simply dread
Is if the ‘traffic lights’ for Portugal change from green to RED!!!


Our Portuguese cruise has been cancelled again
Just when we were counting the days
I had tried on my gear, which I bought for last year
It still fits, I’m relieved and amazed
We can’t wait ‘til next year and we’ve had both our jabs
So we’re ready and raring to go
But it’s not ‘til October, another 5 months
And an interesting fact we now know
It’s grape harvesting season, hey! that could be good
Bring it on and just let the wine flow
The first move has been made for large groups out of doors
Some attended a Grand Music Fest
No masks were required but before they went in
They all took a rapid flow test
The group will be monitored to see the results
And if it all comes off as planned
We too can return to the things we enjoy
Which for months now have simply been banned
Do you recall we ’agreed’ to install a new fence
The posts are in, it looks good, but guess what
There’s a National shortage of panels we hear
Those DIY bods have bought up the lot


Well here we are and just one week to go
So here are a few things that you need to know
Regarding new words we have recently heard
The misuse of Jargon has just been absurd
We’ll start off with Bubble, keyworker, Pandemic
Flattening the curve, herding, furlough, endemic
Asymptomatic, Covidiot, R-Rate, PPE
Contact Tracing, self isolate, stay 2 metres from me!!
Safe Shopping has now become a routine task
As we enter we automatically put on a mask
Sanitise hands and also the trolley
Pay with a card ‘cos they don’t accept ‘lolly’
A trip to the pub, what a job to CHECK-IN
Switch on the mobile and then enter in
A very long code word and everyone’s names
Before you can relax, isn’t that why you came?
Portugal apparently is on the green list
But too late for us and our cruise we will miss
You can’t visit Spain but it’s OK in Gibraltar
Every day the rules change, now you can go to Malta
But, Staycation’s the thing, that’s another new word
But everywhere is booked up, at least that’s what I’ve heard

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