Covid-Ode Weeks 31 – 40


Christmas is coming and the shops are decorated
But they say it will be digital, plans could be decimated
One household, it’s reported, have installed their Christmas lights
I suppose they will look welcome on a dark and soggy night
The clocks go back tomorrow, no rush for you to rise
But I have to be quite honest, it may come as no surprise
That we have been staying later in our warm and cosy bed
If we had something to get up for we’d rise earlier instead
For 7 months we’ve worn our masks, stayed socially distanced
Cancelled holidays, parties, wedding plans at the Government insistence
Now in tiers, not the ones you shed, are we 1 or 2 or 3
Just where we can or cannot go is a mystery to me
Enough of doom and gloom for now, I have read the Telegraph
I simply can’t believe my eyes, at least it made me laugh
No selling eggs or flour just now, because of Halloween
In case the kids make flour bombs, one way to let off steam
Do you remember mischief night, a game of ‘knock and run’
In these dark days it’s just the same, they need a little fun
In Wales the non essential shops must close, and one thing more
Supermarkets must cordon off some things they sell in store
Electric goods plus clothes and toys, bedding and furniture too
If you are resident in Wales all these are banned for you
But batteries, light bulbs, rubber gloves have been given the all clear
And the best news for those folks in Wales, the Stores can still sell beer
If you love to go to London for night life and ambience
A new law is in the pipeline which does not make any sense
Talented street entertainers, could find their lives are sorely changed
Banned from juggling with fire or knives to keep us entertained
That well known duo Healthy and Safety may sadly seal their fate
Supposedly to keep us safe, thanks to our Nanny State
Do you have a stock of masks, because if you are running low
Get yourself down to the shop there is just a week to go
VAT is coming back, so I thought that I should mention
Prices will rise by 20 per cent after six months of suspension


Pardon me for the delay, I am running out of things to say!

The last day of October, we have now reached Halloween
Without the trick or treating, a very different scene
The kids will be rewarded for each pumpkin they can spot
As they walk around the village BUT this year they cannot
Play bobbing for the apples, and we all have to remember
Bonfire night is cancelled on the 5 th day of November
We will all be back in lockdown, whether we like it or do not
But we must stay positive, give it all that we have got

(Sung to the tune of MEMORY with apologies to Lloyd Webber)

Midnight, not a sound from the night clubs
City streets are deserted, we must all stay at home
We cannot eat out but we can order a takeaway meal
But cannot share it, must dine alone
If you fancy a pint, they are closing all of the pubs
But the ‘offies’ are open, you can buy wine or beer
But you cannot share it with folks who do not live in your house
It’s such a pity, it could drive you to tears

I started Christmas shopping on Saturday for a change
Everywhere was fully stocked, a most impressive range
But once again non essential stores will have to lock their doors
Back to online shopping for the gifts for you and yours
Why not choose something that’s different, forget the Christmas socks
Have a search on Google and find a site which stocks
Xmas masks, hand sanitisers , visors , rubber gloves
Sprays to kill all household germs with a perfume that you love
Make sure you fill up your free time and stay within your bubble
Plait some sawdust, chew a brick to keep you out of trouble


I am running out of things to do, I tidied out the cupboard
I found bags of ancient greetings cards, I really was quite staggered
Two hours later and I had recalled happy times gone by
My 21st, Engagement, Marriage, 55 years flown by
Memories all came flooding back, forgotten names recalled
They will mean nothing to our family, why do we keep them all
Torrents of rain have fallen and they have surely left their mark
Roads and fields are flooded, but where is Noah and his ark?
Denis vented all his wrath, a trail of devastation
We’re all locked down in Tier 3 which adds to the frustration
Amidst it all my eyes look up and search the skies above
Is it true or do I dream, I can surely see a dove
He’s carrying a message which could cause severe dejection
Depending on who wins the US President Election
My birthday is not far away and for a special treat
We had booked a night in Windermere, a location hard to beat
The price was right and our bedroom would overlook the lake
Dinner was included and I would take my birthday cake
Well, guess what! it’s been cancelled, just like our special cruise
I’m hoping that December will bring us better news
Whenever there’s a problem someone always comes off best
They seem to find a loophole which is hidden from the rest
Go to your nearest airport, book a flight for just £10
Yes, the cost has fallen now that Covid is around
You do not need to travel, you can just stay where you are
And enjoy a legal bevy in the good old Airport Bar
Did you in your younger days ever stop to think
That you would simply love to own a coat of pure mink
Maybe you have heard the news, it really is quite horrid
Minks must be destroyed because they spread the dreaded Covid
Just off the press, the battle is won between Donald and Joe Biden
What a relief it’s now all over regardless of what side you are on


I had a sudden urge to bake a coconut and raspberry cake
Surely the recipe can’t be right or should I blame it on my sight
It says you use a 20” tin, but that would make it far too thin
I double checked, ‘twas a mistake, 20cms was the right size for this cake
I am Zooming here and Zooming there but I’m not going anywhere
I missed the Moonshot, too much trouble
But I am still in someone’s bubble
I keep my distance, wear a mask
And try to do everything I am asked
But the only thing which will be my saviour
Is being let out for good behaviour
I have lived in this village for 55 years
But today I feel quite close to tears
This place has always had a heart
But life is tearing it apart
We have always had a local shop
But maybe this is going to stop
I see that it is up for sale
And in addition there’s a tale
That we could also lose our pub
For years it’s been the local hub
When we are ‘unlocked’ perhaps we’ll find
There is very little left behind
To Grasmere we would take a ride upon the Stagecoach 555
We’d pack a sandwich and a flask not forgetting our face masks
But on reading the Westmorland Gazette
We were shocked to learn that we could get
A hefty fine, over £500, for travelling beyond our own home town
Needless to say we stayed at home and through the local woods did roam
The wind did blow and it poured with rain
But we won’t make plans like that again
Something more positive has appeared on the scene
At last they’ve discovered a Covid vaccine
Which could mean that we head in the right direction
Confident we have some form of protection
Finally we saw yesterday, police stopping motorists on their way
Don’t go too far, it could be you ‘Stay home’ is the wisest thing to do


I have started feeling very harassed
Due to being confined to barracks
The awful weather makes it worse
Time to put my thoughts in verse
How do I spend my leisure time
Without committing a Lockdown crime?

I have been watching so much telly it would come as no surprise
If I looked into the mirror and saw I had square eyes

In normal times our calendar is full most every day
But now each square is empty I am very sad to say
But just to make quite certain I thought I’d double check
I should be at the dentist’s!!! I become a nervous wreck
Get dressed quickly, brush my teeth, I know that I must hurry
More haste less speed, it just won’t help to get into a flurry
I double check to confirm the time, at the calendar I peek
I just cannot believe it my appointment is next week

Wednesday morning, still in bed, refreshing cup of tea
Morning paper, crossword puzzles, lazy as can be
Mobile rings, I answer it, ‘Where is Bob’ they say
We’re all on Zoom, did he forget the meeting is today
It’s not too late, come in your jimjams, nobody will mind
(They do not know he doesn’t wear ‘em, not the jimjam kind)
Without hesitation Bob grabs the notes he’s written down
And joins the meeting, slightly late, and in his dressing gown


Great excitement in Bolton le Sands, whatever is going on?
Police have blocked the A6 road, we’ve heard they have found a bomb
It was in the canal just down from us but I am pleased to say
The wartime bomb has been made safe, they have taken it away

I searched online for dresses and ended up with two
I always say if you’re satisfied you should give a good review
They were happy with my comments and published it online
But when I came to check it the result was far from fine
I said it was high quality, good value and nice fit
I’d described the dress as COSY and here’s the funniest bit
They could not spell, missed out the S, just who do they employ
Instead of being cosy it’s described as being COY
In the early days of getting used to texting on my phone
I almost made a big faux pas, I’m sure I’m not alone
My device was called an ASUS and for some reason I know not
If I’d sent the message this is what they would have got
The recipient was the President of our local WI
It’s a good job that I double checked, it could have passed me by
The title ASUS somehow changed, these devices can be dangerous
The heading said,( I kid you not,) message forwarded from my ANUS

I have done a countdown every day towards December 2nd
My Birthday is on Monday so I confidently reckoned
We’d book a table at the Royal, a delayed celebration
I heard the news, we’re Tier 3, talk about frustration
Tier 2 can go to their local to eat a “substantial” meal
What exactly does substantial mean , it sounds like a raw deal
A cheese sandwich does not qualify but take out the cheese filling
And add side salad to the plate and the landlord will be quite willing
To serve the meal with a glass of wine but you must not stay and chat
You must leave the pub immediately, thanks to the latest Caveat


I’ve had a distanced birthday, but I enjoyed it just the same
Lots of messages on Facebook, some from folks I could not name
Two bouquets of lovely flowers brightened up the day
‘Cos it was wet and very cold so we at home did stay
Good wishes from the grandkids, Happy Birthday sung in tune
Some lovely drawings, “Strictly” demos all on my mobile phone
A friend called round with a home made card, I wasn’t even dressed
A doorstep chat then off she went, I did not look my best
Another friend, another chat, she brought prosecco and some chocs
The prosecco went straight to my head and I finished off the box
I opened the two new bottles of shower gel and cream
After a good soak I felt relaxed and sparkling clean
Bob said, “You smell of rhubarb” ah! well I don’t suppose
It’s hardly surprising, the label says RHUBARB AND ROSE
My very first Pilates class today, all thanks to Zoom
It really was quite strange exercising in my own front room
Arms a-swinging, shoulders lifting, hang on, what do I see
The Green Thumb man has just arrived and is looking straight at me
Off he goes to treat the lawns, I draw the curtains quick
Does he wonder if I waved at him, I am hardly a hot chick
Thank goodness it was only arms and shoulders, have a care
In down dog pose my derriere would’ve been stuck up in the air
Just read something in the paper, however can it be
A couples’ house is in Tier 2, their garden’s in Tier 3!!!
Maybe, at last, a forward step in the Covid situation
A free gift from the Government, a Christmas Vaccination?


While watching TV one night this week I turned subtitles on
I could not hear a word they said, I think my hearing’s gone
As the script appeared upon the screen the spelling took a tumble
Instead of saying Jan Trumbell the wording read Gin Crumble!!??
My list of folks for Christmas cards has passed the hundred mark
With no Scouts Post to defray the cost it’s certainly no lark
What should we do it’s very hard, I know, we’ll send e-cards
The website looks quite promising, it can’t be very hard
A piece of cake!! I am relieved, what a revelation
And with the cash we saved we’ll make a Charity donation
Pilates on Zoom comes straight to your room
But you must click the right icons to see
Either Gallery or Speaker view, Mute on or off
I looked closely and what could that be
One of the ladies had left her screen on
But I didn’t feel that I could tell her
Sniffing around her and looking bemused
Was her lovely pet Staffy Bull Terrier
I felt quite emotional this morning, it’s the Infants Nativity play
My youngest grand daughter called Flossie has got quite a few words to say
With a lump in my throat, I shed one or two tears
But WhatsApp so quickly resolved all my fears
The worry we’d miss it was just a bad dream
We could watch the full programme at home on the screen
Christmas Day, more regulations, here’s what you must do
Invite grandma for her lunch, some younger people too
Separate the generations, that’s if you are able
Make sure that you stick grandma at the far end of the table
Throw open wide the windows, she needs lots of good fresh air
She must provide her knife and fork, she is not allowed to share
And when she’s eaten all her food and her plate is nice and clean
She must put it straight into the dishwashing machine
When she leaves you must not hug, nudge her with your elbow
You have to ask yourself where did all the Festive Spirit go
Once this time is over and we’ve had our Christmas cheer
Let’s hope that things are normal when it comes around next year


Monday morning Zoom Pilates, I had a good workout
Then moved into relaxing mode, what it’s all about
Lighting dimmed, curtains drawn, I’m covered in my throw
Suddenly the screen went off, where did my Tutor go?
It appears there was a power cut that left me high and dry
But I’ll be back on Friday and have another try
Do you recall me telling you of meeting up with friends
In Happy Mount on our green bench, but that’s not where it ends
We all turned up just as arranged, everyone arrived by 2
Would you believe our bench was full, whatever should we do
If things go on much longer we must arrange a prior booking
So when we meet we don’t waste precious talking time just looking
Luckily we found a bench but it only seated two
We would need to take turns sitting down but it would have to do
The days are dark and gloomy, but, Christmas is nearly here
And soon we’ll be in Tier 2, a thought to bring some cheer
Then Boris’s latest Bulletin, which has been long awaited
Brings the shocking news, the Corona Virus has mutated
The Northwest will stay in Tier 3, the South goes into 4
The new rules start at midnight, we’ll be worse off than before
A panic builds to travel home, the trains are inundated
Safe distancing goes by the board as hundreds queue frustrated
Hands, face, space is all forgotten in the panic to get out
The R- Rate’s guaranteed to rise, of that there is no doubt
We lucky Northeners can gather Christmas Day
Three families numbering 6 or less but you’re not allowed to stay
24 hrs is all you have, I find this rule quite sad
But at least we’ll be together and for that we should be glad
The Parcel Post is struggling, I have tracked a Birthday gift
It should have come 3 weeks ago but it has gone adrift
According to the records it was shipped and had arrived
In Peterborough Sorting Office, where it still “resides”
It has now been there for 16 days, I assume it’s just been lost
BUT !! the suppliers will send another and will also stand the cost


A lockdown Christmas for us all which will go down in history
No Carollers, Pubs or Parties, how Santa got here is a mystery
Talking of which I’d like to know where did the missing parcels go
They’re lost in space, recipients waiting, fabulous gifts anticipating
The Birthday parcel was 2 weeks late, Carol said ‘twas worth the wait”
Boxing Day Sales, the Annual fight, I thought would be curtailed
But no, the social distance Rules, were ignored, so sadly failed
Hands, face, space forgotten in the rush to spend more cash
Our hopes of curbing Covid could possibly be dashed
We’d booked our annual weekend trip to the fab Nidd Hall Hotel
Departing end of January, fingers crossed it would go well
A group of over 20 friends and also family
But Christmas Eve we were sadly told that it was not to be
I feel just like The Prisoner, remember Patrick McGoohan?
Every time he tried to escape his plans were sadly ruined
I feel like “Billy No Mates” no-one wants us any more
They’ve closed the Borders, airports too, I’m shaken to the core
Ah well! we’ll have to stay at home and feast on Christmas goodies
Bottles of gin and truffles, but we can’t share them with our buddies
Unless we go on Facetime and socialise onscreen
Decked in Christmas jumpers / socks, just visualise the scene
A distanced Christmas party to create some festive cheer
And a fervent hope that Yuletide will be different next year
Warmest wishes to you all, farewell to 2020
May 2021 be filled with blessed days aplenty

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