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Autumn2020

Covid-Ode Weeks 21-30

WEEK 21

I have remembered a *song from ages ago, can you remember it too?
It’s about making decisions, a difficult task, but I’m not telling you anything new
The words are quite simple, but they fit the bill and the song title is “UNDECIDED”
A description of Boris & the Government maybe, they surely should not be divided
(*First you say you will and then you won’t, then you say you do and then you don’t
You’re undecided now so what are you gonna do?)

Going out for a meal, the price should appeal
To your wallet, food is down to half price
Everywhere is packed out which could cause you to doubt
If they’re heeding the current advice

I am delighted to say I have just booked today for an outdoor event, it sounds great
It costs £6 a car and it’s not very far, just off the M6 near South Lakes
A Kite Festival called Smile Factor 10, we hope for light wind and some sun
Picnics are welcome, in our 5 metre space with the grandkids we aim to have fun
Outdoor entertainment, a thing of the past, should raise our low spirits ‘sky high’
A change for the best, a high level Fest, we can’t wait to give it a try

The Glorious 12th will go ahead, some changes though this year
Tweed caps and plus fours are the norm but added to the gear
Face coverings, complying with the rulings of the house
The beaters may not like it but they have no cause to ‘grouse’

Steamed up glasses still a pain, well, here’s the latest tip
A folded tissue under your mask could remedy the blip
I am told that those with hearing aids are having problems too
If you know of a simple cure I would like to hear from you

When temperatures are high I’m sure we all know what to do
But our Nanny State is acting as if we haven’t got a clue
Warning Posters stuck on billboards, instructions we don’t need
To cope with Summer, we’ll get by and know just what to heed
Wear a sunhat, use Sunscreen, drink lots of H20
I have added well-known words by Noel Coward, see below
“Mad Dogs and Englishmen go out in the Mid- day sun”
Please do not be one of those, sunstroke is no fun!!!

WEEK 22

We decided to water the garden, plants were wilting, the pots were bone dry
They had said it would rain but there was no sign and we didn’t want our plants to die
We gave them a really good soaking, in no time they looked in good form
We should not have bothered ‘cos during the night we suffered one heck of a storm
Thunder and lightning like you’ve never seen plus torrents and torrents of rain
Our shed is marooned, it looks like the Ark, we must wait for the flooding to drain

On waking last Saturday morning I looked in the mirror, Oh my!
For some mysterious reason I had developed a very black eye
I have not had a fight with Mike Tyson, it’s a while since I had a street brawl
So all I can say, if you see me today, I just can’t explain it at all
The ads on TV have been changing but they still drive me mad anyway
I don’t wish to buy a new sofa, even though I could sit there all day
But that is not good for your blood flow, you must move every once in a while
Or you may need to take the advantage of a new cream they’re selling for piles

Hooray! they have opened casinos, but to be a success could be hard
What I’d like to know is how it will go when you can’t even touch your own cards

The beech hedge just outside our window is alive with house sparrows galore
But we decided to attract a variety, they were becoming a bit of a bore
So we bought different seed which was costly, some exotic birds to entice
Well to date it has made a small difference, a starling, a wren and two mice!!!

What a fiasco for all those poor families who had booked for a ‘vacance en france’
All of a sudden they are returning, they don’t want to leave it to chance
The ‘about turn’ was sprung on them swiftly, it created a bad situation
If they can’t beat the deadline, unfortunately, they must go into self isolation
The queues for the ferry are frantic, same for the Eurostar too
I’m so glad we decided to stay in UK, as things stand it’s the best thing to do

WEEK 22/23 (Because even poets need a holiday!)

We set off just a week ago to visit the North East
The weather on the Motorway was not fit for man nor beast
Climbing Shap behind the trucks on such a horrid day
You could hardly see the Granite Works for all the clouds of spray
When we arrived in Lucker, a handy place to stay
I’m glad to say the weather had improved along the way
The sun was out, the wind had dropped, everything was fine
We sat out in the garden and enjoyed a glass of wine
Bamburgh was our first call, a wonderful place to be
With a castle overlooking golden sands and rolling seas
Dozens of happy families, sand castles galore
Flying kites and rock pooling, you couldn’t ask for more
The road signs entertained me, with some strange sounding names
Here’s a list of just a few, I hope you feel the same
Spott and Drem and Wallyford, Oxgangs and Conundrum
Duddo, Reston , Skaterow and also Little Pinkerton
Duns. Loughend and Twizell, Shilbottle, Ogle too
But we didn’t go to Kilham, with a name like that would you?
The weather did deteriorate by the middle of the week
We found places we could go indoors and one particular treat
Was in Alnwick town, called Barter Books in a disused railway station
Where a toy train chugged above the shelves, and to add to the occasion
The café in the waiting room served speciality food galore
Northumberland Rarebit was my choice, it left me wanting more
On our last day our route was fraught with road diversions galore
And add to this the floods caused by the rain the night before
We followed the signs quite carefully but this did not do much good
Our remaining option was a road where they were pumping out the floods
The driver “indicated” that to drive on we could not
From the look upon his face I christened him “The dour Scot”
I am baffled by something odd about the Summer Proms situation
Surely they can’t leave out the songs loved by the British nation
And banning a live audience too though distanced properly
If music be the food of love we need it desperately!

WEEK 24

We’ve had our hols, life is ‘normal’ now, whatever that might mean
But one day last week I lost the plot, let me set the scene
Whilst on the bus to Lancaster, all masked up, fit to roam
I realised, Oh! Silly me, I had left my purse at home
At least I had my bus pass, but not a penny could I spend
It was the cheapest shopping trip I’ve ever taken in the end
Our Library is re-opening next Wednesday, I can’t wait
I read all the books I’d borrowed at a most impressive rate
I bought lots more from the charity shops and now it could be said
That I can surely be considered as a woman who’s ‘well-read’
Whilst visiting Chillingham Castle, a really ancient place
At the entrance I encountered a young lady face to face
I remarked upon the weather vane and asked “Is that a bat?”
She confirmed it was and really knew the history off pat
I asked “Are you a Castle Guide?”, if only I had known!
“Oh no “, she answered “Actually, this is my family home”!
16 weeks to Christmas and the cards have gone on sale
It takes away the pleasure, by December it feels stale
We might not have a Christmas, Hayes have cancelled Santa’s Grotto
Choirs can’t sing carols, no large parties to get blotto
No fireworks on bonfire night, when we really need some sparkle
Whatever will they cancel next in the pandemic debacle?
No Telegraph today, what next, no puzzle section too
The environmental rebels have caused a serious to-do
And a turnabout re the “Proms Last Night”, a slightly puzzling thing
Rule Britannia will be played and you are allowed to sing
But you must do this at home so it won’t cause too much trouble
As the orchestra and soloist will be safe in their own bubble
The Scots have been busy ‘faking it’ and printing their own money
20 Pound notes spent in Cornwall were looking rather funny
The forger obviously could not spell, his brain was badly tuned
Instead of printing 20 Pound he had spelt it 20 Poond

WEEK 25

Went to the Potfest last Sunday at Hutton in the Forest
Don’t get me wrong, no, not the drug, but pottery at it’s finest
It poured with rain, the mud was deep, but what had we to lose
Not quite as much as the lady who was wearing her white shoes
But we were both well kitted out and fit to face the weather
Ten minutes on the sun came out, the rain stopped altogether
Groups of 6, oh! not again, just when life was moving on
Our optimism shattered, our zest for life has gone
Going shopping, what a lark, please enter two by two
It’s a little bit like Noah’s ark, but it’s something we must do
An important letter came today from London Imperial College
I thought perhaps they’d heard of me and my considerable knowledge
But I was disappointed, it seems that they’re just sending me
A Covid-19 testing kit, but hang on, could it be
That I’d be part of ‘moonshot’, I did not hesitate
I signed upon the dotted line and now I need to wait
For a swab kit, which I’ll have to use to test my throat and nose
Causing ‘mild short-lived discomfort’ but really I suppose
For a trip to space it really is a very small price to pay
I cannot wait for lift-off, that is all that I can say
The variety of facemasks increases by the day
I just use a basic one but in the Telegraph today
Was a Louis Vuitton visor shield, at a price that just astounds
If you would like to buy one it will cost £750
Students going to Oxford to increase their wealth of knowledge
Have to sign a form to say they’ll hold no parties in their college
No freshers week, no boozy trips, no late night reveling
Perhaps they could meet up via Zoom, the very latest thing

WEEK 26

If you are feeling the pinch, well it apparently would seem
You are in the best company, ie the Queen
She owes 345 million, which is quite a lot
But 85 million is all she has got
Nobody’s exempt, be they Royal or no
But it just makes me wonder how long we can go
With rules changing daily, sometimes over night
And lots of grey areas, there is no black or white
eg If you like football you can go to the game
But for some unknown reason it is not the same
For musicians or singers, who are all disallowed
To gather outdoors and perform as a crowd
Another spelling ‘goof’ for you, I’ve already sent you one or two
This well known quiz on BBC, familiar both to you and me
Was announced by some journalist who had written
(You’ll never believe it!) BRIAN OF BRITAIN
I had a disaster on Saturday night whilst lying asleep in my bed
I had a bad dream, falling into a river, I fell out and woke up on my head
A really sore carpet burn all down my face and a bust nose which made
quite a mess
A twisted right knee plus a rather stiff neck but I am still in one piece,
more or less

WEAK 27 (oops! Freudian slip) WEEK 27

Fearing you may give me the sack
I think we are due a change of tack
This endless ode could become a bore
And so I open up the door
And ask if you will all help me
To see how easy it can be
To compile a list of appropriate songs
Plus others which really would be wrong
During times when we must keep apart
To help you I will make a start
“Don’t fence me in”, do you get my drift?
Ok now it’s time to sift
And while you do I‘ll add some more
Let’s see how many points we score
‘All by myself ‘and ‘Lean on Me’
‘Walk on By’, so that makes three
‘Stayin ’alive’ and ‘ Close to you’
That will add another two
“From a distance” seems appropriate
They are mounting at a steady rate
I now will hand things on to you
Please let me know how well you do
The carpet burns upon my face are healing by the day
Will I ever live it down? I don’t know what to say
“Take more water with it” has been suggested by a few
If it only was that easy I would know just what to do
My dreams are really vivid but its all imagination
Should I go for therapy, there may be an explanation
Perhaps the lockdown could be blamed, or pubs closing at 10
Altering the rule of six, furloughing again
Steam –up still a problem with your glasses plus a mask?
I’ve had a tip, twist both the loops, a very simple task
It came from a frontline worker, I tried, it worked for me
At last when I am shopping I can actually see!!!

WEEK 28

We were tidying the garden and giving things a dust
Our mosaic metal bistro set has just developed rust
We got out the instructions to read up after care
You never would believe it because clearly written there
Was, “Do not wash, do not bleach, do not tumble dry
Do not iron or dry clean”, we wouldn’t even try!!!
On Monday night our local choir rehearsed courtesy of Zoom
What a strange experience direct from our box room
I had no time to do my face or tidy up my hair
When I saw myself upon the screen it gave me a real scare
And as for all my singing, just as well my voice was muted
My vocal chords are lost and really need to be re-booted
I met with friends for coffee and a bit of R and R
I had to book and pay 10 quid deposit , a step too far?
I flashed my app outside the door, I wore my spotty mask
They shifted all the tables to make room, a simple task
I ordered a toasted teacake and a coffee, a real treat
But my teacake just went AWOL, as I sat there in my seat
All my friends were munching , there was a rumble in my tum
I asked again, “where is it?” but the teacake did not come
I thought perhaps they’d gone for flour to make the thing from scratch
“We don’t do fast food here,” it said, there must have been a catch
30 Minutes later the said teacake was delivered
It really was delicious and I suppose all things considered
There is not much else we can do whilst living in a bubble
And a missing teacake could be called a very minor trouble
Whilst visiting our grand daughters in Staveley we did see
A partridge in their garden, no, not in a pear tree
He was pecking at a rocket plant not a morsel did he waste
If we roast the bird at Christmas will this enhance the taste?
Will Boris cancel Christmas? I trust he will let Santa know
Otherwise he’ll make a fruitless journey in the snow
His trip may be essential but when he struggles down the flue
Will he make a separate Exit as we are told to do?
I’ve received lots of lovely thankyous for my work as local Bard
It makes the effort so worthwhile, at times it is quite hard
But if I can keep you entertained I really feel quite proud
That during a Pandemic I can make you laugh out loud

WEEK 29

There is a spider in my bathroom he has been there for a week
And what I would really like to know is whatever does he eat
He keeps returning to the bath, not a cobweb to be seen
There are no flies for him to catch, my bathroom is so clean
Do you know the answer, if so I’d like to know
But sadly I must tell him it is time for him to go
Last Monday in Pilates I was laid upon the floor
When I spotted a most unusual sight I have never seen before
A crow was perching on the roof of the church across the way
He flew onto the gutter, and then, without delay
He cleaned out all the rubbish with his beak and I must say
The skill with which he worked must mean he does it every day
Our 1 night stay in Cumbria was really good once we found our way
Winscales was the venue and all that I can say
Is Satnav was just useless I could not hear a word she said
So we switched it off and used an Ordnance survey map instead
My son has telephoned to say he has to isolate
As a very outdoorsy person this news is not so great
What a world we live in, we are hanging by a thread
Just waiting for proclamations about things we really dread
A momentary lapse has caused my mood to sink quite low
But I know that thinking negative is not the way to go
Thank goodness then for humour and the chance to have a laugh
Be it Covid jokes by email or the latest Boris gaff

WEEK 30

I want to break free, it can’t only be me
Remember that song sung by Fred Mercury?
I am desperate now we are classed Tier 3
But our rural village is close to the sea
About 50 miles from poor old Burnley
And Preston just 23, how can it be
We are treated the same – so obey the decree
Six met for coffee and the odd cup of tea,
We could not sit in so outside we must be
In warm clothes plus throws it was still quite chilly
By the time I got home I was blue as can be
So to defrost myself ran a bath of bubbly
moving on
A circuit breaker, no nothing electrical
Just half term for schools, but it does sound quite technical
A Super spread of Covid, the Swiss government claim
That an audience in Switzerland are really to blame
At a yodelling musical, yodel ay ee tee
The audience of 600 were completely mask free

A challenge for you whilst you’re locked in today
Words ending the same that are relevant, OK?
Frustration, deflation, hospitalisation
Prognostication, vaccination, demystification
The choice is endless so over to you
Just let me know how well you do

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