Covid-Ode Weeks 11-20

WEEK 11:

I have been shopping online as I’ve plenty of time
And real live shopping is only a dream
I ordered some coffee which comes in small pods
For our Nescafe Coffee machine
We had not long to wait, the delivery was quick
We were out when the Yodel van came
According to a neighbour who saw him at work
His methods were not without blame
He took out the box from the back of his van
And from the end of the drive to our door
He threw it with skill and the parcel in question
Was found upside down on the floor
Fair to say that the outcome turned out OK,
As the contents weren’t fragile that’s true
But this comes as a warning, you just never know
What Yodel delivery men do
Do you have the same trouble as me when you buy
Things in bottles which you pump or you spray
When half full it suddenly ceases to work
What a waste just to throw it away
We have bottles of sun cream with not a lot in
But now, as the weather is hot
We are finally using them up bit by bit
Whether different factors or not
Our veggies were growing at such a fast rate
Bob ‘knows his onions’ you see
But those flourishing rows of succulent leaves
Resembled a heap of debris
We thought it was pigeons, or maybe the slugs
I looked closer in search of a clue
And there on the soil, there was something bright green
They were dollops of urban fox pooh
I am now finding ways to deter the damned fox
I’ve hung CD’s to dazzle his eyes
And we plan to spray vinegar around where he sneaks in
To give him a nasty surprise
I didn’t know foxes liked onions, did you?
Perhaps he’s a foodie fox chap
Having sourced his plump chicken
Bob’s Prize winning onions will go well as a cordon bleu snack
Can I bring up a point to make all of you gasp? at the time when floods ravaged the nation
I jokingly said if we had a dry week, we’d end up with a drought proclamation
Well one night last week I was watching TV and to my amazement I saw
An appeal to save water ‘cos it’s running low, I really was shocked to the core
The millions of gallons of flood H2O have all disappeared down the drain
So instead of enjoying the warm summer sunshine
The Government are praying for rain

WEEK 12:

Our onion crop is safe once more, the vinegar worked a treat
It really is rewarding when a crafty fox you beat
My good friend Jacky caused my sense of humour to be tickled
She asked if we were growing onions ready pickled
Bob, my husband, has a problem concerning his right knee
Before we went in lockdown he had physiotherapy
But this is no longer available so he has suffered quietly
And made sure he did his exercises conscientiously
He’d had enough so fixed a time to visit his GP
Who referred him for an X_Ray at Queen Vic Radiotherapy
A woman, through a locked door, said “we’re closed ‘til July at the earliest””
Bob said as hospital staff go she was undoubtedly the surliest
I met up outdoors yesterday with two of my close mates
We sat on separate benches as the NHS dictates
But I found it hard to hear them and the masks that both were wearing
Made me seriously think that I had a problem with my hearing
We went to Kendal Tuesday and on our journey back
Sizergh Barn was open and they were serving TASTY SNACKS!
Oh! what a treat Oh! what a joy, a delight for Bob and me
We sat outside and enjoyed some lemon drizzle cake and tea
Never has anything tasted so good, it just shows our appreciation
For the simple things forgotten in the lockdown situation
For the first time in nine weeks we met up with the family
The grand-kids and their parents brought some fish and chips for tea
What a treat, we sat outside, spent family time together
But we were only able to do this due to lovely sunny weather
Bob and I are feeling just a little down today
On April 1st it was 55 years since we had our Wedding Day
As a special treat we had booked a cruise along the River Douro
But now we are in lockdown foreign holidays are a No-No
So our trip has been postponed until the 7th of June next year
That’s if we’re spared!!! as the saying goes and we wipe away a tear

WEEK 13:

Now lockdown restrictions have slightly eased and up to six can meet
I am joining three friends from the Gym,  that will be a treat
We usually do Pilates but we can’t do that today
The Lotus position in Happy Mount Park, whatever would folks say?
You may recall I told you we had booked a river cruise
Of course we had to cancel it and that was not good news
On Saturday night we watched TV and were feeling very low
You’ll never guess what came on screen, Jane MacDonald’s Cruising Show
From that moment on we sat transfixed as she sailed the River Douro
And purely by coincidence that’s where we had booked to go
So we journeyed from our armchairs, we did not need to queue
No worries about passports or how much liquid is taboo
And when it came to tasting wine our ‘bar’ wasn’t far away
But I must confess we drank Sauv Blanc and not Mateus Rose
I’m glad to say we have re-booked for the trip next year in June
And as you will appreciate that cannot come too soon
The Newsreader on Radio 2 made a faux pas yesterday
Whilst reading out statistics I distinctly heard him say
Folks returning from abroad must stay in isolation
But instead of 1 week, he said 1 YEAR, that would cause a sensation!!!!
How do you know what day it is, they are all the same to me
My calendar is completely blank, it never used to be
We were such busy people with engagements every day
But now we recognise the days in a most peculiar way
Tuesday is the day when the bins line up the street
Newspapers on Thursday and Saturday have now become a treat
I returned from Morecambe on the bus, but I didn’t wear a mask
“How many passengers did you see “?  I can hear you ask
There was only one other lady and she sat at the back
But the rules re masks are changing, Oh dear!  Alas! Alack!,
We ventured into Lancaster there wasn’t much to see
Only a few shops open and we had heard you could park for free
Not so, the usual parking rates have now been re-instated
Our shopping trip only took half an hour, Boy!  Did we feel frustrated
Shops re-open on Monday,  I bet there’s a stampede
For much needed Retail Therapy but lots of Rules to heed
If you try it on and it doesn’t fit don’t put it on the rack
It has to go into quarantine before it can go back


Fourteen weeks and going strong, well that’s not strictly true
It’s becoming very hard to find exciting things to do
We have met up ‘in the bubble’ with our lovely family
I have enjoyed a cup of coffee with some friends at VVV
We asked my brother and his wife for drinks, which was quite nice
To sit out in the sun with g and t’s and lots of ice
All of a sudden there arose a bit of a to-do
Bob’s folding chair had come adrift he was slowly sinking through
He managed to extract himself much quicker than you think
And the good news is he was not hurt and HE DID NOT SPILL HIS DRINK!!
I was waiting at the bus stop and as I gazed around
I looked inside the shelter and to my surprise I found
Some plants had started growing through the corners of the wall
Grasses, brambles, bracken which was almost two feet tall
And the seat just by the shelter has almost disappeared
Completely overgrown with grass it’s months since it was cleared
We took a trip to Lancaster, well, what more could you ask
My favourite stores were open, Primark and TKMaxx
Primark was fairly quiet, hardly anyone was there
But the queue for TKMaxx went all the way round Market Square
Next we went to M&S, we waited for a while
And our conversation gave the assistant every cause to smile
I pointed out a dress I liked, it was hanging on a rail
I’d bought one which was identical, online and in the sale
Jacky asked ‘where does it come to’ meaning length and nothing more
I replied without hesitation, “It was delivered to my door “
There is one thing I would like to ask, do you have problems with your mask
Mine moves up and down my face, if I don’t make sure it’s correctly placed
And when I have a conversation my glasses steam up with condensation
How very sorry I was to see, Vera Lynn has died at 103
The Forces Sweetheart to fighting men
Her famous song We’ll Meet Again
At last some progress! I read it today, distancing will change to 1 METRE AWAY.
Don’t get excited, I then read page 2, somebody has proof it’s the wrong thing to do
Government and Scientists please get it together
The Nation has now reached the end of its tether


We are travelling a wee bit further, we have hardly used the car
The petrol gauge was showing that it would not take us far
We last topped up in January when the price was pretty high
But a litre now is 99p, we could hardly believe our eyes
We have some lovely walks nearby, we can go straight from our door
Seashore, woodlands and canal, you could not wish for more
The scene is changing every day as few boats are passing through
As you walk along the towpath you get a super view
Of water lilies, yellow flag, moor hens, swans and ducks
Seven cygnets, ducklings too and with a bit of luck
You may glimpse the otter, we saw him with a fish
The gulls were trying madly to pinch his tasty dish
More confusion via Boris, things don’t get any better
Some are flouting rules whilst others follow to the letter
Half a million drove to Bournemouth, don’t you find it sad
The easing of the lockdown has driven people mad
Raves and demonstrations, tons of rubbish left behind
Sometimes it even makes you lose your faith in all mankind
“Facemasks at all times when you travel on the bus”
Not the case on Monday, but I didn’t make a fuss
The information notice had quite simply been ignored
Drivers should be told to point it out as people board
Hand sanitiser bottles have been causing quite a ruction
If stored where it is hot they cause spontaneous combustion!!!
As little girls, so many dreamed of starring on the Screen
But we are all much older, could we now achieve our dream?
Because screens are now in fashion everywhere I’ve been
But only to prevent the spread of ( aaaagh!! ) Covid 19
The anticipation is mounting as we all approach July
The 4th is a Red Letter Day, we know the reason why
The pubs will then re-open, coffee shops and bistros too
I am going to have my hair cut and if lucky, coloured too
Why not take a photo of your hair before and after
And in the years to come look back with tears and roars of laughter
I’ll close this week with a sad revelation, something that will shock the Nation
The Trafford Centre is no more , the news has shocked me to the core
I only went there once a year but confess I almost shed a tear
Where can I go to Christmas shop, it’s not the same when you “click and drop”



I cannot believe the change in the weather, from summer to winter we’ve gone
It was 30 degrees just a few days ago, the central heating has now been switched on
I decided to bake, just for something to do, so I started to search for a tin
It was Christmas the last time I used it, and was buried amongst other things,
I hardly dare tell you, I feel so ashamed, but I hope that it keeps you amused
Laid in the bottom of my Christmas tin was one of Bob’s best outdoor shoes!
I requested a doctor’s appointment, no chance of a time face to face
They asked me to send them a photo, which I did, then I joined in the race
I picked up the phone very early, my first call was just after 8
I was 10th in the queue, but what else could I do, so decided to hang on and wait
I finally spoke to Reception, they said “no appointments this week”
They were apologetic, but ain’t it pathetic, the system has gone up the creek
I invited my friends round for coffee, for a chat whilst we sat in the sun
The flapjack was going down nicely, the fruit cake was perfectly done
But the weather then changed, it was drizzling, I had a plan B just in case
So we all went and sat in our garage, which I must say looks quite a disgrace
But it didn’t disrupt conversation, we put the world right, as you do
And the heat from the old tumble dryer kept us warm for an hour or two
I can hardly contain my excitement, next week I will get my hair done
We can go to the pub for a bar meal, and if we dare, book a break in the sun
They are talking of opening the libraries, you can go to the cinema too
But sadly the theatres are closed to us all, whatever will everyone do
We seriously need relaxation, considering all we’ve been through
The benefits we’d gain are so good for the brain, important for mental health too
I sing in two choirs, I just love it, they say music is good for the soul
But Boris won’t allow us to do it, due to too many folks in the hall
The same thing applies to Pilates, yoga and aerobics too
By the time they decide to re-open I’ll probably be 92
The listings for TV are dreadful, I dislike the wrong message they send
I don’t know about you, but I just want to view a programme that has a nice end
A and E to amuse me? don’t think so, Disasters UK, not for me
Nightmare Neighbours and Filthiest Houses, Evil Online, how bad can it be?
Take me out of myself for an hour, give me romance and glamour galore
I need some escape from reality, take me back to where we were before
And now for some news that will thrill you all
You can’t catch Covid from a cricket ball!!



I still meet my gym friends in Happy Mount Park, the bench in the shelter is fine
But we get funny looks from the folks who pass by, perhaps we should put up a sign
‘Last of the Summer Wine’ certainly not, or The Golden Girls, that sounds quite nice
For four friends who just enjoy keeping in touch whilst following Government advice
Deliveries are causing us problems again, a parcel came earlier today
If I wanted it left in a particular place all I had to do was just say
I requested that it should be left in the porch, it was likely that we would be out
They wedged the bag tight in the letter box, “Oh no, not again“ I did shout
Luckily the parcel came out in one piece, just as well as it held Bob’s new shirt
If it happens again I fully intend my customer’s rights to assert
May I mention new rules that could seem quite strange to you
Please shut the lid tightly when flushing the loo
And if you’re a Rambler who loves walking for miles
You must clean all the steps after climbing the stiles
Another amazing revelation which really could astound the nation
If all you bakers are feeling frustrated that you can’t buy coconut desiccated
It has all been taken off the shelves, the growers won’t harvest for themselves
They are using poor monkeys to climb up the tree
To gather the coconuts for you and for me
We had our first meal out, we went to the pub
What a treat to enjoy some different grub
The tables were well spaced and they’ve installed some glass screens
How different it looked from the last time we’d been
We’d expected that maybe it would look too clinical
But just the reverse, we should not have been cynical
So don’t be put off, leave your worries behind
Take one small step for you and a leap for mankind
Have you tried making sourdough, it’s becoming quite popular
And I hear some results have been very spectacular
You start with a ‘plant’ handed on by a friend
But follow the rules, or you surely will end
Like someone who added a little bit more
And the dough came to meet her as she walked through the door
Closing Headlines, this is really weird
They can’t touch your eyebrows but can trim your beard!


WEEK 18:

Face masks compulsory in the shops, or not, as the case may be
Boris is getting us more confused, not good for you and me
Recycling all the protective waste is causing problems too
But the good news is in our household Bob and I should be like new
A doctor’s appointment early today, then both to the Optician’s without delay
For annual eye tests, we hope for passes, we cannot afford new reading glasses
To the dentist we both went last week, so that he could take a peek
At the teeth we chipped before lockdown, both of us will need a crown !
After 18 weeks living close together, we’re beginning to look just like each other
Our swimming pools need organisation ‘lane rage’ is causing much frustration
You must book ahead, a bit of a pain, and they plan to widen the swimming lanes
Gyms will be opening very soon the exercise will be a boon
To relieve the stiffness, I can’t wait, and it may just help to reduce my weight
School uniforms are on sale in stores, this could be a dilemma
For parents when the new school year is not until September
After all the weeks they’ve been at home, less exercise, more goodies
Some of the kids could start to look a bit like the teletubbies
Covid numbers via UK Stats have proved to be over stated
It would appear that by mistake the results were duplicated
More bad news about the future, in winter we could see
A swift return to Covid if temperatures reach 4C
And for those of us over 75, alas no free TV
The TV licence you must pay or the penalty could be
Prosecution in the Courts, publicity and shame
So just cough up and pay the price, your good name to retain
I love to play the clarinet but the music group’s on hold
I really miss rehearsals but we are doing as we’re told
A possible solution, but I’m really scared to ask
Is could we play together if we cut holes in our masks??
Yesterday’s optician’s visit turned out to cost us dearly
We both need brand new glasses so that we can see more clearly
The masks caused quite a problem when I peered in the machine
As the steam I was creating kept fogging up the screen
We discussed just how much cash we’d saved not going out for meals
But we’re losing out in other ways, it seems like a raw deal
The much loved cash which on a special treat we planned to spend
Was destined for the dentist and optician in the end
And finally some hope for choirs, what happens as your breath expires ?
Singing trials will be carried out in hospital theatres, to remove any doubt
Whether singing together is strictly taboo, making music is surely the best thing to do


We’ve been getting more adventurous and so far all is well
You have to build your confidence but only time will tell
On Sunday we both strolled to Archers café on the shore
I ordered coffee at the till then left via the back door
Those dining in gave contacts as they waited in the queue
And if you’d ordered takeaways they brought them out to you
As we sat there sipping coffee and eating shortbread too
A perfect chance to people watch whilst we admired the view
Lots of campers who’d arrived in rain the day before
Now relaxing on the beach, you couldn’t ask for more
Lockdown rules are easing, very welcome news
A UK stay is guaranteed to chase away the blues
Worried about public transport, you really shouldn’t be
On the number 5 from Morecambe were the driver and just me
I have travelled up to Ambleside with a friend, a special treat
Masks in place we went upstairs and sat in the front seat!!
Remember they were testing for what happens when we sing
Results are not encouraging, and here’s another thing
It’s wonderful to have a laugh, so do they plan to measure
The risks involved if we laugh out loud, our one remaining pleasure
Tomorrow we must wear our masks when we go to the shops
Do you wonder what comes next, the new rules never stop
My gym is opening very soon, I simply cannot wait
To get back to a ‘normal’ life within our nanny state
The football fans ignore the rules, thousands throng the streets
Which gives the folks who toe the line a feeling of defeat
The choirs long to sing again the orchestras to play
Actors need to take the stage, we all should have our say
Theatre and music fans are in a drastic situation
Boris, please amend the rules for a culture starving nation
Whilst shopping I’m accustomed now to keeping on my mask
But never did I dream that very shortly we’d be asked
To wear protective gloves as well, what next I hear you say
Wetsuits, snorkels, diving gear might keep Covid at bay


Just when things were looking up they have knocked them on the head
Off to sunny Spain? Not likely, stay UK instead
Our family hope the long awaited trip to the North East
Will go ahead and provide us with a change of scene at least
We are swamped with ripe tomatoes, we have grown four different kinds
I searched for online recipes to see if I could find
An easy one for making soup, I don’t do complicated
And managed to find a simple one which was very highly rated
I asked Bob if he fancied giving it a try
And left him in the kitchen, expectations were quite high
The results were simply marvellous, and came as a surprise
If he’d entered it for Master Chef he could have won first prize
I’ve been quite energetic for a change these last two days
I went to Yoga yesterday and today to Pilates
I could tell that it’s been quite a time since I worked the old six pack
And I look forward to the day when my toned body will come back
If you’d planned for an exciting night at the Casino
Boris has dictated that it is certainly a NO NO
Planning to book the bowling alley for a game?
Sorry! Just be satisfied with a ‘country’ kind of lane
A seat to watch your footie team, that’s been cancelled too
If you watch it on the telly would you get a better view?
The rules for weddings changed again, the brides will surely weep
The recent limit of thirty guests is rescinded for two weeks
Also the rules re going out to dine were slightly eased
When you hear the news I bring to you you’ll surely be displeased
Boris says we eat too much, obesity is rising
But the new rule he’s imposing you may find quite surprising
Restaurant Menus from now on must very clearly state
The calorific content of the food upon your plate
The well known adage tells us something true and also maddening
That all the things that we enjoy are illegal, immoral or fattening

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