Covid-Ode Weeks 1-10


A friendly wave across the street to anyone that you might meet
A funny joke to make them smile a phone call every once in a while
Empty buses passing by as I sit here and wonder why
Life for all has suddenly changed, our daily habits rearranged
Endless bulletins on TV, scary statistics for you and me
Real life is like a Sci fi tale, of horror on a massive scale
Doctors and nurses gowned and masked struggle with the endless task
Of saving lives, maintaining breath, exposing themselves to possible death
Ventilators in short supply, without them many folks will die
An elderly priest made the sacrifice, his ventilator saved a young man’s life
On a positive note we now can face the jobs to be done around the place
Spring cleaning, gardening, painting too, no end to the tasks that we can do
The sun is shining, so appreciate that seat in the garden and ruminate
The village is deserted so it’s safe to pop, down the road to our local shop
No pubs or bakery, all shut down, the place resembles a ghost town
From the library came a call, they offer 30 books to all to keep us busy
Choosing them could make you dizzy
I managed 5, they’ll have to do and I could pass some on to you
Worrying thoughts if I sneeze or cough, I take 2 tablets to fob it off
I wake at 6, what can I do I’ll add a few lines to my poem for you
I’ve signed up to sing with Gareth Malone, it’s funny doing it on your own
But thousands of others have joined in too, it’s quite a wonderful thing to do
I have to learn to record my voice via my mobile phone (too much for Joyce)
Then send it in to add to the rest, the result I’m sure will be the best
Did you hear of the shopper who was simply raving because she could only have
1 pack of bacon?
She swore at the staff and threw 1 back, common decency she did lack
Here’s a tip to help you on your way, watch 1 Bulletin only every day
The rest could drive you up the wall, a bit like Brexit I do recall
That’s my lot just for today I’ll add to my poem from day to day


Looking at things in a positive way as we live this strange life day by day
They says its an ill wind that blows no good
But we’re starting to live life the way we should
Families in their gardens laugh and play
Neighbours chat to neighbours across the way
Strangers greet you as they pass you by
In the past they wouldn’t look you in the eye
Phone calls to ask if you’re OK, can we help in any way
We’re all in the same boat do you see
With positive results for you and me
At 8 last night along our street everyone came out to meet outside their doors
To give NHS and carers a round of applause
The British folk when put to the test in times of trouble, bring out their best
But I’m finding it hard to understand the odd things that are in great demand
Toilet rolls!!! what’s that all about? Tins of corned beef are all sold out
Empty shelves never seen before, except maybe during the 2nd World War
Bottles of wine are rationed too, 2 bottles each, that’ll have to do
And have you noticed recently, how many birthdays there seem to be
Everywhere you go you can hear that tune
Especially near the GENTS and LADIES rooms


New rules for the gents at the public loo, urinals are affected too
Regardless of how many there may be, they can use just 1 in 3
If you visit your local superstore observe the markings on the floor
Line up with your trolley and patiently wait, it’s just like the airport security gate!
If supplies of veg should ever get low, let’s do what we did in the 2nd World War
Bring back the allotments, that’s the way, to grow and supply your own 5 a day
We seem to be watching a lot of TV and I think I will write to the BBC
Ancient films in black and white? Come on auntie do the job right!
They’re also showing, for our delight, a post apocalyptic film on Wednesday night
Reading the review you could surely say it is based on what is happening today
Alcohol consumption is on the rise, especially gin, well I’m not surprised
You have to keep your spirits up and there are so many varieties we could sup
Also the different kinds of tea, loads of choice for you and me
The local footpaths are causing frustration, Britain is a dog loving nation
Dogs and joggers just don’t mix, not an easy thing to fix
‘Joggers don’t breathe all over me’ plead the doggy walkers
‘Your heavy breathing as you approach makes me think of stalkers’
A thought has just occurred to me just how long it’s going to be
Until my hair can have a trim, the situation could be grim
A mullet hairdo for the men could make them all feel young again?


In recent years we’ve succumbed to vanity
The amount we spend could be termed insanity
Nails like claws in every hue, not just varnished but stuck with glue
Tattoos and piercings, hair extensions, waxing in places we should not mention
All of these have been put on hold and things will deteriorate as time unfolds
Remember the ancient circus with its acts so shady?
We could see the return of the bearded lady
Slimming World, Weightwatchers too, they’re both on hold so it’s up to you
To count the calories watch your 5 a day, put those chocolate bars away
The scales will return there is no escape, life is not a piece of cake
I walked to the village yesterday, via the churchyard path along the way
My route was beautifully illustrated with children’s drawings, I was fascinated
All sketched in chalk of every hue, birds and butterflies, rainbows too
It put a “Spring” into my step, this is something I will not forget
The birdsong now seems so much more than I have ever heard before
Beautiful sounds around and above, unless it comes from the two Ring Doves
Who wake me up at 6 each day, honestly if I had my way
Their necks I’d ‘ring’ quite cheerfully for constantly disturbing me
Have a ‘cracking’ Easter, enjoy the ‘break’ with Easter eggs and Simnel cake
Be happy and soon we all will see an end to the dreaded COVID


This week I’ve suffered much frustration due to poetic “constipation”
Struggling to find some inspiration to satisfy your expectations
“Relieved” to say I have a notion that this weeks verse is now in “motion”
The ground elder in our garden is getting out of order
It’s time I took some action to tidy up the borders
We have an electric gadget which zaps the garden weeds
Hand weeding is much slower, this thing just moves at speed
Things were going nicely but took a nasty turn
I wasn’t concentrating and I got a nasty burn
My foot looks really horrid but its healing up quite well
And that is not the end of it there’s much more I can tell
I aimed the zapper at the roots to get the best effect
But set fire to the hedge instead and I’m guilty of neglect
For I used the tool for far too long and the plug got overheated
And when I tried to pull it out my efforts were defeated
The extension reel was really hot and the plug was simply wrecked
It had melted in the socket and we could not disconnect
After the smoke had settled and the flames were put out too
A neighbour shouted across the fence “are you having a barbecue?”


The burn on my foot has almost gone, the WEEDATHON still carries on
Despite the lock-down we are travelling free, courtesy of our own TV
We Raced across the World last night and saw some quite amazing sights
We sailed up the Douro, heard wonderful tales from Timothy West and
Prunella Scales
Dining out we have a fabulous time with The Hairy Bikers and also Rick Stein
Brains of Britain we should be too as all the quiz shows we daily view
Pointless, Tipping Point are our daily fare
To apply to Mastermind would we dare
To take our place in the dreaded chair
What would our specialist subjects be?
Drystone walling for him, Name the weeds for me
Pre lockdown we had decided each day to forage the freezer for things hidden
Leftover portions of heaven knows what
As to mark the containers we simply forgot
Loads of stewed apples, rhubarb and leeks
And various soups which would last us all week
Treats for the grand-kids we really should eat,
Chicken nuggets, fish fingers are their favourite treat
Icepops and lollies in every hue
PANIC when both of our tongues turned bright blue
For 3 weeks now we have not been far, in fact we’ve hardly used the car
But tonight (I’m excited as can be) we plan a late trip to Aldi!!!
What should I wear, it’s a pretty big ask
My Marigold gloves and protective mask?
I recently have shot to fame, on the WI ‘blog’ you can find my name
Who knows, when we all are free, it could cost 5 quid to talk to me!!


Summer is certainly on its way, I saw the first swallow yesterday
And although we haven’t ventured far, and hardly ever used the car
We still prefer to keep it clean, but those pesky birds are really mean
They are fed and watered every day, but all our kindness they repay
By perching on the telegraph wires and our car is in the line of fire
It really is an awful sight when crapped on from a very great height
Each Thursday night at 8 we meet with our neighbours along the street
With pans and spoons and whistles too, whatever they can get
I plucked up all my courage and I played my clarinet
Somewhere Over the Rainbow I selected and I’m glad to say no-one objected
So tomorrow, whether they like it or not I’ll be taking the solo spot
“When you walk through a Storm” I will possibly play
But I’ll need to practise it all day
Bob’s hair is growing at a tremendous rate
But it’s all round the edges ‘neath a little bald pate
His sideboards are massive and are needing a trim
So if I can manage to captivate him
I’ll persuade him to come and sit down in the chair
(I confess that I’ve never cut anyone’s hair)
With clippers switched on I’ll approach from the rear
As he can’t see behind him I’ve nothing to fear
Number 1, 2 or 3, I’ll ask, like a professional
He likes the job right in fact he’s quite obsessional
So I think I’ll play safe and just leave it at that
I’ll put away my new clippers and buy him a hat
Having never left the village since lockdown started, along the A6 we departed
The excitement was mounting, what a treat, just like a kid in a shop of sweets
I got my trolley and stood in the queue, I only had to wait a minute or two
Cleaned the handle with a special spray and carefully put the cloth away
Then I was off, I couldn’t wait, like a greyhound at the starting gate
It’s the best day out I’ve had for ages, having been like battery hens in cages
Our freezer will be full, we can dine in style, now I’m coasting down the aisle
I head for the checkout, I’ve had a great time and as I’m standing in the line
My mind is in a complete spin when I realise I have forgotten the flaming GIN


I have cut Bob’s hair, it looks quite good
Much better than I thought it would
The ivy growing in the hedge has really gone berserk
So I thought that I would tackle it, though it would be hard work
I approached the task with gusto using secateurs and shears
The job was quite a challenge, we’d neglected it for years
Whilst crouching in the ‘jungle’ I chopped to left and right
It really was a struggle, and then I lost the fight
A searing pain in my right arm, a sudden flow of blood
A branch had caught my aging skin, it didn’t look too good
I am all patched up, but really cross, to heal it will take some time
Remember when I burned my foot? The good news is that’s fine
I think I will tackle jobs indoors if the weather starts to change
We have a list to choose from, it covers a wide range
The cupboard in the dining room is where we store the drinks
They’ve accumulated over time and it really makes you think
That your tastes change when you are making merry
How long is it since we drank sherry
We have various bottles with not much in, plus a litre of our favourite gin
Whisky, we can’t stand the stuff, some dregs of brandy too
Baileys, Cointreau and Bucks Fizz, to name but just a few
Some of them we will never drink
But I cannot pour them down the sink
Hang on there, I’ve just had a hunch
I’ll mix them up and make some punch
And now we have come to VE Day,
At 11, in silence, we did pay
Respect to those who fought our war
And the church bells rang out as before
Balloons and bunting and flags galore
Tables and chairs outside the door
Meeting neighbours we did not know before
Celebrating together as in days of yore
All determined to win the COVID WAR


Remember last week when I hurt my right arm,
It did not look good and created alarm
At 8am Monday to Morecambe we went to the Walk in Health Centre,
A weird event, the doors were not open, so my consultation
Was through the car window to maintain isolation
And I will be more cautious in future when pruning
My risk aid is in need of a little fine tuning
My arm is now healing I’m so glad to say
And my fears of lockjaw have now gone away
Whilst munching my lunch, I felt a slight crunch,
I looked closer and to my dismay
A piece of my tooth had sadly come loose
To the dentist a visit I’ll pay
Counting foot, arm and tooth, if there’s any truth in the saying bad things come in threes
I should be OK to go on my way, but of course there are no guarantees
The gas and electric bill came yesterday
The amount they were quoting caused lots of dismay
I know I’ve been baking and cooking far more
But honestly we were both shook to the core
It cannot be right, it is EIGHT FIVE SEVEN QUID
We decided it must be a reading we did
So I crawled in the cupboard to check it was right
I needed a mirror and a torch for some light
The relief was amazing when we discovered last time
We had misread the 4 and had entered a 9
You’ll be pleased when I tell you we’re happier today
As we’ve heard that a new bill is now on its way
To identify carriers, in the Telegraph today
The Press are reporting we’ve found a new way
They are going to use sniffer – dogs, that’s the intention
But dogs sniff in places I hardly dare mention
Spaniels and Labs, trained in Bio-detection
Will be stationed in places with high risk of infection
To visit your local is what you are all dreaming
But to “Go for a snifter” takes on a new meaning
As you take those first steps and go through the pub doors
I hope that they don’t say “Get down on all fours”

WEEK 10:

We bought a new vacuum just before this began, our HENRY had seen better days
It has cleaned through the place, which was such a disgrace,
It’s as good as the TV ad says
I thought I’d apply to “How Clean is your House”
That programme with Aggie and Kim
But the sight of those Marigolds trimmed up with fur I can honestly say is quite grim
Whilst watching TV, Bob and I both agree
That the ads are quite simply depressing
Although we’re ‘mature’ we both feel quite sure
That with our poor brains they are messing
We vulnerable people are not finished yet
We’re as sharp as when we first began
We are planning to stay, so please go away, we don’t want a Funeral Plan
Incontinence features in ads quite a bit
They are now selling high fashion briefs
You can run, dance, play tennis far more than before
And they won’t know what is hiding beneath
Erectile dysfunction, what is all that about?
Trapped wind, and severe constipation
Heartburn, verrucas and stiff aching joints
And all kinds of skin irritation
There are cures for them all, you can order online
Don’t suffer in silence my friend
Thank goodness that I can fast forward the ads
Or I know I would go round the bend
With email and facebook, twitter and skype
We can contact our family and friends
How would we have managed before these came about
Now our whole life on IT depends
But I am not conversant with apps and the like
My mobile’s not so – phisticated
The grand children say it’s an old timers phone
And its time that I got it updated.
Remember I mentioned our massive gas bill and I said it had been sorted out
Well, you never could guess but it’s in a worse mess
They are useless, of that there’s no doubt
A revised bill arrived via email on Tuesday, over £900 we should pay
I phoned the Helpline and after some time my worries were quickly allayed

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