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Spring2020

Covid-ode by Joyce Bond

WEEK 1:

A friendly wave across the street to anyone that you might meet
A funny joke to make them smile a phone call every once in a while
Empty buses passing by as I sit here and wonder why
Life for all has suddenly changed, our daily habits rearranged
Endless bulletins on TV, scary statistics for you and me
Real life is like a Sci fi tale, of horror on a massive scale
Doctors and nurses gowned and masked struggle with the endless task
Of saving lives, maintaining breath, exposing themselves to possible death
Ventilators in short supply, without them many folks will die
An elderly priest made the sacrifice, his ventilator saved a young man’s life
On a positive note we now can face the jobs to be done around the place
Spring cleaning, gardening, painting too, no end to the tasks that we can do
The sun is shining, so appreciate that seat in the garden and ruminate
The village is deserted so it’s safe to pop, down the road to our local shop
No pubs or bakery, all shut down, the place resembles a ghost town
From the library came a call, they offer 30 books to all to keep us busy
Choosing them could make you dizzy
I managed 5, they’ll have to do and I could pass some on to you
Worrying thoughts if I sneeze or cough, I take 2 tablets to fob it off
I wake at 6, what can I do I’ll add a few lines to my poem for you
I’ve signed up to sing with Gareth Malone, it’s funny doing it on your own
But thousands of others have joined in too, it’s quite a wonderful thing to do
I have to learn to record my voice via my mobile phone (too much for Joyce)
Then send it in to add to the rest, the result I’m sure will be the best
Did you hear of the shopper who was simply raving because she could only have
1 pack of bacon?
She swore at the staff and threw 1 back, common decency she did lack
Here’s a tip to help you on your way, watch 1 Bulletin only every day
The rest could drive you up the wall, a bit like Brexit I do recall
That’s my lot just for today I’ll add to my poem from day to day

WEEK 2:

Looking at things in a positive way as we live this strange life day by day
They says its an ill wind that blows no good
But we’re starting to live life the way we should
Families in their gardens laugh and play
Neighbours chat to neighbours across the way
Strangers greet you as they pass you by
In the past they wouldn’t look you in the eye
Phone calls to ask if you’re OK, can we help in any way
We’re all in the same boat do you see
With positive results for you and me
At 8 last night along our street everyone came out to meet outside their doors
To give NHS and carers a round of applause
The British folk when put to the test in times of trouble, bring out their best
But I’m finding it hard to understand the odd things that are in great demand
Toilet rolls!!! what’s that all about? Tins of corned beef are all sold out
Empty shelves never seen before, except maybe during the 2nd World War
Bottles of wine are rationed too, 2 bottles each, that’ll have to do
And have you noticed recently, how many birthdays there seem to be
Everywhere you go you can hear that tune
Especially near the GENTS and LADIES rooms

WEEK 3:

New rules for the gents at the public loo, urinals are affected too
Regardless of how many there may be, they can use just 1 in 3
If you visit your local superstore observe the markings on the floor
Line up with your trolley and patiently wait, it’s just like the airport security gate!
If supplies of veg should ever get low, let’s do what we did in the 2nd World War
Bring back the allotments, that’s the way, to grow and supply your own 5 a day
We seem to be watching a lot of TV and I think I will write to the BBC
Ancient films in black and white? Come on auntie do the job right!
They’re also showing, for our delight, a post apocalyptic film on Wednesday night
Reading the review you could surely say it is based on what is happening today
Alcohol consumption is on the rise, especially gin, well I’m not surprised
You have to keep your spirits up and there are so many varieties we could sup
Also the different kinds of tea, loads of choice for you and me
The local footpaths are causing frustration, Britain is a dog loving nation
Dogs and joggers just don’t mix, not an easy thing to fix
‘Joggers don’t breathe all over me’ plead the doggy walkers
‘Your heavy breathing as you approach makes me think of stalkers’
A thought has just occurred to me just how long it’s going to be
Until my hair can have a trim, the situation could be grim
A mullet hairdo for the men could make them all feel young again?

WEEK 4:

In recent years we’ve succumbed to vanity
The amount we spend could be termed insanity
Nails like claws in every hue, not just varnished but stuck with glue
Tattoos and piercings, hair extensions, waxing in places we should not mention
All of these have been put on hold and things will deteriorate as time unfolds
Remember the ancient circus with its acts so shady?
We could see the return of the bearded lady
Slimming World, Weightwatchers too, they’re both on hold so it’s up to you
To count the calories watch your 5 a day, put those chocolate bars away
The scales will return there is no escape, life is not a piece of cake
I walked to the village yesterday, via the churchyard path along the way
My route was beautifully illustrated with children’s drawings, I was fascinated
All sketched in chalk of every hue, birds and butterflies, rainbows too
It put a “Spring” into my step, this is something I will not forget
The birdsong now seems so much more than I have ever heard before
Beautiful sounds around and above, unless it comes from the two Ring Doves
Who wake me up at 6 each day, honestly if I had my way
Their necks I’d ‘ring’ quite cheerfully for constantly disturbing me
Have a ‘cracking’ Easter, enjoy the ‘break’ with Easter eggs and Simnel cake
Be happy and soon we all will see an end to the dreaded COVID

WEEK 5:

This week I’ve suffered much frustration due to poetic “constipation”
Struggling to find some inspiration to satisfy your expectations
“Relieved” to say I have a notion that this weeks verse is now in “motion”
The ground elder in our garden is getting out of order
It’s time I took some action to tidy up the borders
We have an electric gadget which zaps the garden weeds
Hand weeding is much slower, this thing just moves at speed
Things were going nicely but took a nasty turn
I wasn’t concentrating and I got a nasty burn
My foot looks really horrid but its healing up quite well
And that is not the end of it there’s much more I can tell
I aimed the zapper at the roots to get the best effect
But set fire to the hedge instead and I’m guilty of neglect
For I used the tool for far too long and the plug got overheated
And when I tried to pull it out my efforts were defeated
The extension reel was really hot and the plug was simply wrecked
It had melted in the socket and we could not disconnect
After the smoke had settled and the flames were put out too
A neighbour shouted across the fence “are you having a barbecue?”

WEEK 6:

The burn on my foot has almost gone, the WEEDATHON still carries on
Despite the lock-down we are travelling free, courtesy of our own TV
We Raced across the World last night and saw some quite amazing sights
We sailed up the Douro, heard wonderful tales from Timothy West and
Prunella Scales
Dining out we have a fabulous time with The Hairy Bikers and also Rick Stein
Brains of Britain we should be too as all the quiz shows we daily view
Pointless, Tipping Point are our daily fare
To apply to Mastermind would we dare
To take our place in the dreaded chair
What would our specialist subjects be?
Drystone walling for him, Name the weeds for me
Pre lockdown we had decided each day to forage the freezer for things hidden
away
Leftover portions of heaven knows what
As to mark the containers we simply forgot
Loads of stewed apples, rhubarb and leeks
And various soups which would last us all week
Treats for the grand-kids we really should eat,
Chicken nuggets, fish fingers are their favourite treat
Icepops and lollies in every hue
PANIC when both of our tongues turned bright blue
For 3 weeks now we have not been far, in fact we’ve hardly used the car
But tonight (I’m excited as can be) we plan a late trip to Aldi!!!
What should I wear, it’s a pretty big ask
My Marigold gloves and protective mask?
I recently have shot to fame, on the WI ‘blog’ you can find my name
Who knows, when we all are free, it could cost 5 quid to talk to me!!

WEEK 7:

Summer is certainly on its way, I saw the first swallow yesterday
And although we haven’t ventured far, and hardly ever used the car
We still prefer to keep it clean, but those pesky birds are really mean
They are fed and watered every day, but all our kindness they repay
By perching on the telegraph wires and our car is in the line of fire
It really is an awful sight when crapped on from a very great height
Each Thursday night at 8 we meet with our neighbours along the street
With pans and spoons and whistles too, whatever they can get
I plucked up all my courage and I played my clarinet
Somewhere Over the Rainbow I selected and I’m glad to say no-one objected
So tomorrow, whether they like it or not I’ll be taking the solo spot
“When you walk through a Storm” I will possibly play
But I’ll need to practise it all day
Bob’s hair is growing at a tremendous rate
But it’s all round the edges ‘neath a little bald pate
His sideboards are massive and are needing a trim
So if I can manage to captivate him
I’ll persuade him to come and sit down in the chair
(I confess that I’ve never cut anyone’s hair)
With clippers switched on I’ll approach from the rear
As he can’t see behind him I’ve nothing to fear
Number 1, 2 or 3, I’ll ask, like a professional
He likes the job right in fact he’s quite obsessional
So I think I’ll play safe and just leave it at that
I’ll put away my new clippers and buy him a hat
Having never left the village since lockdown started, along the A6 we departed
The excitement was mounting, what a treat, just like a kid in a shop of sweets
I got my trolley and stood in the queue, I only had to wait a minute or two
Cleaned the handle with a special spray and carefully put the cloth away
Then I was off, I couldn’t wait, like a greyhound at the starting gate
It’s the best day out I’ve had for ages, having been like battery hens in cages
Our freezer will be full, we can dine in style, now I’m coasting down the aisle
I head for the checkout, I’ve had a great time and as I’m standing in the line
My mind is in a complete spin when I realise I have forgotten the flaming GIN

WEEK 8:

I have cut Bob’s hair, it looks quite good
Much better than I thought it would
The ivy growing in the hedge has really gone berserk
So I thought that I would tackle it, though it would be hard work
I approached the task with gusto using secateurs and shears
The job was quite a challenge, we’d neglected it for years
Whilst crouching in the ‘jungle’ I chopped to left and right
It really was a struggle, and then I lost the fight
A searing pain in my right arm, a sudden flow of blood
A branch had caught my aging skin, it didn’t look too good
I am all patched up, but really cross, to heal it will take some time
Remember when I burned my foot? The good news is that’s fine
I think I will tackle jobs indoors if the weather starts to change
We have a list to choose from, it covers a wide range
The cupboard in the dining room is where we store the drinks
They’ve accumulated over time and it really makes you think
That your tastes change when you are making merry
How long is it since we drank sherry
We have various bottles with not much in, plus a litre of our favourite gin
Whisky, we can’t stand the stuff, some dregs of brandy too
Baileys, Cointreau and Bucks Fizz, to name but just a few
Some of them we will never drink
But I cannot pour them down the sink
Hang on there, I’ve just had a hunch
I’ll mix them up and make some punch
And now we have come to VE Day,
At 11, in silence, we did pay
Respect to those who fought our war
And the church bells rang out as before
Balloons and bunting and flags galore
Tables and chairs outside the door
Meeting neighbours we did not know before
Celebrating together as in days of yore
All determined to win the COVID WAR

WEEK 9:

Remember last week when I hurt my right arm,
It did not look good and created alarm
At 8am Monday to Morecambe we went to the Walk in Health Centre,
A weird event, the doors were not open, so my consultation
Was through the car window to maintain isolation
And I will be more cautious in future when pruning
My risk aid is in need of a little fine tuning
My arm is now healing I’m so glad to say
And my fears of lockjaw have now gone away
Whilst munching my lunch, I felt a slight crunch,
I looked closer and to my dismay
A piece of my tooth had sadly come loose
To the dentist a visit I’ll pay
Counting foot, arm and tooth, if there’s any truth in the saying bad things come in threes
I should be OK to go on my way, but of course there are no guarantees
The gas and electric bill came yesterday
The amount they were quoting caused lots of dismay
I know I’ve been baking and cooking far more
But honestly we were both shook to the core
It cannot be right, it is EIGHT FIVE SEVEN QUID
We decided it must be a reading we did
So I crawled in the cupboard to check it was right
I needed a mirror and a torch for some light
The relief was amazing when we discovered last time
We had misread the 4 and had entered a 9
You’ll be pleased when I tell you we’re happier today
As we’ve heard that a new bill is now on its way
To identify carriers, in the Telegraph today
The Press are reporting we’ve found a new way
They are going to use sniffer – dogs, that’s the intention
But dogs sniff in places I hardly dare mention
Spaniels and Labs, trained in Bio-detection
Will be stationed in places with high risk of infection
To visit your local is what you are all dreaming
But to “Go for a snifter” takes on a new meaning
As you take those first steps and go through the pub doors
I hope that they don’t say “Get down on all fours”

WEEK 10:

We bought a new vacuum just before this began, our HENRY had seen better days
It has cleaned through the place, which was such a disgrace,
It’s as good as the TV ad says
I thought I’d apply to “How Clean is your House”
That programme with Aggie and Kim
But the sight of those Marigolds trimmed up with fur I can honestly say is quite grim
Whilst watching TV, Bob and I both agree
That the ads are quite simply depressing
Although we’re ‘mature’ we both feel quite sure
That with our poor brains they are messing
We vulnerable people are not finished yet
We’re as sharp as when we first began
We are planning to stay, so please go away, we don’t want a Funeral Plan
Incontinence features in ads quite a bit
They are now selling high fashion briefs
You can run, dance, play tennis far more than before
And they won’t know what is hiding beneath
Erectile dysfunction, what is all that about?
Trapped wind, and severe constipation
Heartburn, verrucas and stiff aching joints
And all kinds of skin irritation
There are cures for them all, you can order online
Don’t suffer in silence my friend
Thank goodness that I can fast forward the ads
Or I know I would go round the bend
With email and facebook, twitter and skype
We can contact our family and friends
How would we have managed before these came about
Now our whole life on IT depends
But I am not conversant with apps and the like
My mobile’s not so – phisticated
The grand children say it’s an old timers phone
And its time that I got it updated.
Remember I mentioned our massive gas bill and I said it had been sorted out
Well, you never could guess but it’s in a worse mess
They are useless, of that there’s no doubt
A revised bill arrived via email on Tuesday, over £900 we should pay
I phoned the Helpline and after some time my worries were quickly allayed

WEEK 11:

I have been shopping online as I’ve plenty of time
And real live shopping is only a dream
I ordered some coffee which comes in small pods
For our Nescafe Coffee machine
We had not long to wait, the delivery was quick
We were out when the Yodel van came
According to a neighbour who saw him at work
His methods were not without blame
He took out the box from the back of his van
And from the end of the drive to our door
He threw it with skill and the parcel in question
Was found upside down on the floor
Fair to say that the outcome turned out OK,
As the contents weren’t fragile that’s true
But this comes as a warning, you just never know
What Yodel delivery men do
Do you have the same trouble as me when you buy
Things in bottles which you pump or you spray
When half full it suddenly ceases to work
What a waste just to throw it away
We have bottles of sun cream with not a lot in
But now, as the weather is hot
We are finally using them up bit by bit
Whether different factors or not
Our veggies were growing at such a fast rate
Bob ‘knows his onions’ you see
But those flourishing rows of succulent leaves
Resembled a heap of debris
We thought it was pigeons, or maybe the slugs
I looked closer in search of a clue
And there on the soil, there was something bright green
They were dollops of urban fox pooh
I am now finding ways to deter the damned fox
I’ve hung CD’s to dazzle his eyes
And we plan to spray vinegar around where he sneaks in
To give him a nasty surprise
I didn’t know foxes liked onions, did you?
Perhaps he’s a foodie fox chap
Having sourced his plump chicken
Bob’s Prize winning onions will go well as a cordon bleu snack
Can I bring up a point to make all of you gasp? at the time when floods ravaged the nation
I jokingly said if we had a dry week, we’d end up with a drought proclamation
Well one night last week I was watching TV and to my amazement I saw
An appeal to save water ‘cos it’s running low, I really was shocked to the core
The millions of gallons of flood H2O have all disappeared down the drain
So instead of enjoying the warm summer sunshine
The Government are praying for rain

WEEK 12:

Our onion crop is safe once more, the vinegar worked a treat
It really is rewarding when a crafty fox you beat
My good friend Jacky caused my sense of humour to be tickled
She asked if we were growing onions ready pickled
Bob, my husband, has a problem concerning his right knee
Before we went in lockdown he had physiotherapy
But this is no longer available so he has suffered quietly
And made sure he did his exercises conscientiously
He’d had enough so fixed a time to visit his GP
Who referred him for an X_Ray at Queen Vic Radiotherapy
A woman, through a locked door, said “we’re closed ‘til July at the earliest””
Bob said as hospital staff go she was undoubtedly the surliest
I met up outdoors yesterday with two of my close mates
We sat on separate benches as the NHS dictates
But I found it hard to hear them and the masks that both were wearing
Made me seriously think that I had a problem with my hearing
We went to Kendal Tuesday and on our journey back
Sizergh Barn was open and they were serving TASTY SNACKS!
Oh! what a treat Oh! what a joy, a delight for Bob and me
We sat outside and enjoyed some lemon drizzle cake and tea
Never has anything tasted so good, it just shows our appreciation
For the simple things forgotten in the lockdown situation
For the first time in nine weeks we met up with the family
The grand-kids and their parents brought some fish and chips for tea
What a treat, we sat outside, spent family time together
But we were only able to do this due to lovely sunny weather
Bob and I are feeling just a little down today
On April 1st it was 55 years since we had our Wedding Day
As a special treat we had booked a cruise along the River Douro
But now we are in lockdown foreign holidays are a No-No
So our trip has been postponed until the 7th of June next year
That’s if we’re spared!!! as the saying goes and we wipe away a tear

WEEK 13:

Now lockdown restrictions have slightly eased and up to six can meet
I am joining three friends from the Gym,  that will be a treat
We usually do Pilates but we can’t do that today
The Lotus position in Happy Mount Park, whatever would folks say?
You may recall I told you we had booked a river cruise
Of course we had to cancel it and that was not good news
On Saturday night we watched TV and were feeling very low
You’ll never guess what came on screen, Jane MacDonald’s Cruising Show
From that moment on we sat transfixed as she sailed the River Douro
And purely by coincidence that’s where we had booked to go
So we journeyed from our armchairs, we did not need to queue
No worries about passports or how much liquid is taboo
And when it came to tasting wine our ‘bar’ wasn’t far away
But I must confess we drank Sauv Blanc and not Mateus Rose
I’m glad to say we have re-booked for the trip next year in June
And as you will appreciate that cannot come too soon
The Newsreader on Radio 2 made a faux pas yesterday
Whilst reading out statistics I distinctly heard him say
Folks returning from abroad must stay in isolation
But instead of 1 week, he said 1 YEAR, that would cause a sensation!!!!
How do you know what day it is, they are all the same to me
My calendar is completely blank, it never used to be
We were such busy people with engagements every day
But now we recognise the days in a most peculiar way
Tuesday is the day when the bins line up the street
Newspapers on Thursday and Saturday have now become a treat
I returned from Morecambe on the bus, but I didn’t wear a mask
“How many passengers did you see “?  I can hear you ask
There was only one other lady and she sat at the back
But the rules re masks are changing, Oh dear!  Alas! Alack!,
We ventured into Lancaster there wasn’t much to see
Only a few shops open and we had heard you could park for free
Not so, the usual parking rates have now been re-instated
Our shopping trip only took half an hour, Boy!  Did we feel frustrated
Shops re-open on Monday,  I bet there’s a stampede
For much needed Retail Therapy but lots of Rules to heed
If you try it on and it doesn’t fit don’t put it on the rack
It has to go into quarantine before it can go back

WEEK 14

Fourteen weeks and going strong, well that’s not strictly true
It’s becoming very hard to find exciting things to do
We have met up ‘in the bubble’ with our lovely family
I have enjoyed a cup of coffee with some friends at VVV
We asked my brother and his wife for drinks, which was quite nice
To sit out in the sun with g and t’s and lots of ice
All of a sudden there arose a bit of a to-do
Bob’s folding chair had come adrift he was slowly sinking through
He managed to extract himself much quicker than you think
And the good news is he was not hurt and HE DID NOT SPILL HIS DRINK!!
I was waiting at the bus stop and as I gazed around
I looked inside the shelter and to my surprise I found
Some plants had started growing through the corners of the wall
Grasses, brambles, bracken which was almost two feet tall
And the seat just by the shelter has almost disappeared
Completely overgrown with grass it’s months since it was cleared
We took a trip to Lancaster, well, what more could you ask
My favourite stores were open, Primark and TKMaxx
Primark was fairly quiet, hardly anyone was there
But the queue for TKMaxx went all the way round Market Square
Next we went to M&S, we waited for a while
And our conversation gave the assistant every cause to smile
I pointed out a dress I liked, it was hanging on a rail
I’d bought one which was identical, online and in the sale
Jacky asked ‘where does it come to’ meaning length and nothing more
I replied without hesitation, “It was delivered to my door “
There is one thing I would like to ask, do you have problems with your mask
Mine moves up and down my face, if I don’t make sure it’s correctly placed
And when I have a conversation my glasses steam up with condensation
How very sorry I was to see, Vera Lynn has died at 103
The Forces Sweetheart to fighting men
Her famous song We’ll Meet Again
At last some progress! I read it today, distancing will change to 1 METRE AWAY.
Don’t get excited, I then read page 2, somebody has proof it’s the wrong thing to do
Government and Scientists please get it together
The Nation has now reached the end of its tether

WEEK 15

We are travelling a wee bit further, we have hardly used the car
The petrol gauge was showing that it would not take us far
We last topped up in January when the price was pretty high
But a litre now is 99p, we could hardly believe our eyes
We have some lovely walks nearby, we can go straight from our door
Seashore, woodlands and canal, you could not wish for more
The scene is changing every day as few boats are passing through
As you walk along the towpath you get a super view
Of water lilies, yellow flag, moor hens, swans and ducks
Seven cygnets, ducklings too and with a bit of luck
You may glimpse the otter, we saw him with a fish
The gulls were trying madly to pinch his tasty dish
More confusion via Boris, things don’t get any better
Some are flouting rules whilst others follow to the letter
Half a million drove to Bournemouth, don’t you find it sad
The easing of the lockdown has driven people mad
Raves and demonstrations, tons of rubbish left behind
Sometimes it even makes you lose your faith in all mankind
“Facemasks at all times when you travel on the bus”
Not the case on Monday, but I didn’t make a fuss
The information notice had quite simply been ignored
Drivers should be told to point it out as people board
Hand sanitiser bottles have been causing quite a ruction
If stored where it is hot they cause spontaneous combustion!!!
As little girls, so many dreamed of starring on the Screen
But we are all much older, could we now achieve our dream?
Because screens are now in fashion everywhere I’ve been
But only to prevent the spread of ( aaaagh!! ) Covid 19
The anticipation is mounting as we all approach July
The 4th is a Red Letter Day, we know the reason why
The pubs will then re-open, coffee shops and bistros too
I am going to have my hair cut and if lucky, coloured too
Why not take a photo of your hair before and after
And in the years to come look back with tears and roars of laughter
I’ll close this week with a sad revelation, something that will shock the Nation
The Trafford Centre is no more , the news has shocked me to the core
I only went there once a year but confess I almost shed a tear
Where can I go to Christmas shop, it’s not the same when you “click and drop”

 

WEEK 16

I cannot believe the change in the weather, from summer to winter we’ve gone
It was 30 degrees just a few days ago, the central heating has now been switched on
I decided to bake, just for something to do, so I started to search for a tin
It was Christmas the last time I used it, and was buried amongst other things,
I hardly dare tell you, I feel so ashamed, but I hope that it keeps you amused
Laid in the bottom of my Christmas tin was one of Bob’s best outdoor shoes!
I requested a doctor’s appointment, no chance of a time face to face
They asked me to send them a photo, which I did, then I joined in the race
I picked up the phone very early, my first call was just after 8
I was 10th in the queue, but what else could I do, so decided to hang on and wait
I finally spoke to Reception, they said “no appointments this week”
They were apologetic, but ain’t it pathetic, the system has gone up the creek
I invited my friends round for coffee, for a chat whilst we sat in the sun
The flapjack was going down nicely, the fruit cake was perfectly done
But the weather then changed, it was drizzling, I had a plan B just in case
So we all went and sat in our garage, which I must say looks quite a disgrace
But it didn’t disrupt conversation, we put the world right, as you do
And the heat from the old tumble dryer kept us warm for an hour or two
I can hardly contain my excitement, next week I will get my hair done
We can go to the pub for a bar meal, and if we dare, book a break in the sun
They are talking of opening the libraries, you can go to the cinema too
But sadly the theatres are closed to us all, whatever will everyone do
We seriously need relaxation, considering all we’ve been through
The benefits we’d gain are so good for the brain, important for mental health too
I sing in two choirs, I just love it, they say music is good for the soul
But Boris won’t allow us to do it, due to too many folks in the hall
The same thing applies to Pilates, yoga and aerobics too
By the time they decide to re-open I’ll probably be 92
The listings for TV are dreadful, I dislike the wrong message they send
I don’t know about you, but I just want to view a programme that has a nice end
A and E to amuse me? don’t think so, Disasters UK, not for me
Nightmare Neighbours and Filthiest Houses, Evil Online, how bad can it be?
Take me out of myself for an hour, give me romance and glamour galore
I need some escape from reality, take me back to where we were before
And now for some news that will thrill you all
You can’t catch Covid from a cricket ball!!

 

WEEK 17

I still meet my gym friends in Happy Mount Park, the bench in the shelter is fine
But we get funny looks from the folks who pass by, perhaps we should put up a sign
‘Last of the Summer Wine’ certainly not, or The Golden Girls, that sounds quite nice
For four friends who just enjoy keeping in touch whilst following Government advice
Deliveries are causing us problems again, a parcel came earlier today
If I wanted it left in a particular place all I had to do was just say
I requested that it should be left in the porch, it was likely that we would be out
They wedged the bag tight in the letter box, “Oh no, not again“ I did shout
Luckily the parcel came out in one piece, just as well as it held Bob’s new shirt
If it happens again I fully intend my customer’s rights to assert
May I mention new rules that could seem quite strange to you
Please shut the lid tightly when flushing the loo
And if you’re a Rambler who loves walking for miles
You must clean all the steps after climbing the stiles
Another amazing revelation which really could astound the nation
If all you bakers are feeling frustrated that you can’t buy coconut desiccated
It has all been taken off the shelves, the growers won’t harvest for themselves
They are using poor monkeys to climb up the tree
To gather the coconuts for you and for me
We had our first meal out, we went to the pub
What a treat to enjoy some different grub
The tables were well spaced and they’ve installed some glass screens
How different it looked from the last time we’d been
We’d expected that maybe it would look too clinical
But just the reverse, we should not have been cynical
So don’t be put off, leave your worries behind
Take one small step for you and a leap for mankind
Have you tried making sourdough, it’s becoming quite popular
And I hear some results have been very spectacular
You start with a ‘plant’ handed on by a friend
But follow the rules, or you surely will end
Like someone who added a little bit more
And the dough came to meet her as she walked through the door
Closing Headlines, this is really weird
They can’t touch your eyebrows but can trim your beard!

 

WEEK 18:

Face masks compulsory in the shops, or not, as the case may be
Boris is getting us more confused, not good for you and me
Recycling all the protective waste is causing problems too
But the good news is in our household Bob and I should be like new
A doctor’s appointment early today, then both to the Optician’s without delay
For annual eye tests, we hope for passes, we cannot afford new reading glasses
To the dentist we both went last week, so that he could take a peek
At the teeth we chipped before lockdown, both of us will need a crown !
After 18 weeks living close together, we’re beginning to look just like each other
Our swimming pools need organisation ‘lane rage’ is causing much frustration
You must book ahead, a bit of a pain, and they plan to widen the swimming lanes
Gyms will be opening very soon the exercise will be a boon
To relieve the stiffness, I can’t wait, and it may just help to reduce my weight
School uniforms are on sale in stores, this could be a dilemma
For parents when the new school year is not until September
After all the weeks they’ve been at home, less exercise, more goodies
Some of the kids could start to look a bit like the teletubbies
Covid numbers via UK Stats have proved to be over stated
It would appear that by mistake the results were duplicated
More bad news about the future, in winter we could see
A swift return to Covid if temperatures reach 4C
And for those of us over 75, alas no free TV
The TV licence you must pay or the penalty could be
Prosecution in the Courts, publicity and shame
So just cough up and pay the price, your good name to retain
I love to play the clarinet but the music group’s on hold
I really miss rehearsals but we are doing as we’re told
A possible solution, but I’m really scared to ask
Is could we play together if we cut holes in our masks??
Yesterday’s optician’s visit turned out to cost us dearly
We both need brand new glasses so that we can see more clearly
The masks caused quite a problem when I peered in the machine
As the steam I was creating kept fogging up the screen
We discussed just how much cash we’d saved not going out for meals
But we’re losing out in other ways, it seems like a raw deal
The much loved cash which on a special treat we planned to spend
Was destined for the dentist and optician in the end
And finally some hope for choirs, what happens as your breath expires ?
Singing trials will be carried out in hospital theatres, to remove any doubt
Whether singing together is strictly taboo, making music is surely the best thing to do

WEEK 19

We’ve been getting more adventurous and so far all is well
You have to build your confidence but only time will tell
On Sunday we both strolled to Archers café on the shore
I ordered coffee at the till then left via the back door
Those dining in gave contacts as they waited in the queue
And if you’d ordered takeaways they brought them out to you
As we sat there sipping coffee and eating shortbread too
A perfect chance to people watch whilst we admired the view
Lots of campers who’d arrived in rain the day before
Now relaxing on the beach, you couldn’t ask for more
Lockdown rules are easing, very welcome news
A UK stay is guaranteed to chase away the blues
Worried about public transport, you really shouldn’t be
On the number 5 from Morecambe were the driver and just me
I have travelled up to Ambleside with a friend, a special treat
Masks in place we went upstairs and sat in the front seat!!
Remember they were testing for what happens when we sing
Results are not encouraging, and here’s another thing
It’s wonderful to have a laugh, so do they plan to measure
The risks involved if we laugh out loud, our one remaining pleasure
Tomorrow we must wear our masks when we go to the shops
Do you wonder what comes next, the new rules never stop
My gym is opening very soon, I simply cannot wait
To get back to a ‘normal’ life within our nanny state
The football fans ignore the rules, thousands throng the streets
Which gives the folks who toe the line a feeling of defeat
The choirs long to sing again the orchestras to play
Actors need to take the stage, we all should have our say
Theatre and music fans are in a drastic situation
Boris, please amend the rules for a culture starving nation
Whilst shopping I’m accustomed now to keeping on my mask
But never did I dream that very shortly we’d be asked
To wear protective gloves as well, what next I hear you say
Wetsuits, snorkels, diving gear might keep Covid at bay

WEEK 20

Just when things were looking up they have knocked them on the head
Off to sunny Spain? Not likely, stay UK instead
Our family hope the long awaited trip to the North East
Will go ahead and provide us with a change of scene at least
We are swamped with ripe tomatoes, we have grown four different kinds
I searched for online recipes to see if I could find
An easy one for making soup, I don’t do complicated
And managed to find a simple one which was very highly rated
I asked Bob if he fancied giving it a try
And left him in the kitchen, expectations were quite high
The results were simply marvellous, and came as a surprise
If he’d entered it for Master Chef he could have won first prize
I’ve been quite energetic for a change these last two days
I went to Yoga yesterday and today to Pilates
I could tell that it’s been quite a time since I worked the old six pack
And I look forward to the day when my toned body will come back
If you’d planned for an exciting night at the Casino
Boris has dictated that it is certainly a NO NO
Planning to book the bowling alley for a game?
Sorry! Just be satisfied with a ‘country’ kind of lane
A seat to watch your footie team, that’s been cancelled too
If you watch it on the telly would you get a better view?
The rules for weddings changed again, the brides will surely weep
The recent limit of thirty guests is rescinded for two weeks
Also the rules re going out to dine were slightly eased
When you hear the news I bring to you you’ll surely be displeased
Boris says we eat too much, obesity is rising
But the new rule he’s imposing you may find quite surprising
Restaurant Menus from now on must very clearly state
The calorific content of the food upon your plate
The well known adage tells us something true and also maddening
That all the things that we enjoy are illegal, immoral or fattening

WEEK 21

I have remembered a *song from ages ago, can you remember it too?
It’s about making decisions, a difficult task, but I’m not telling you anything new
The words are quite simple, but they fit the bill and the song title is “UNDECIDED”
A description of Boris & the Government maybe, they surely should not be divided
(*First you say you will and then you won’t, then you say you do and then you don’t
You’re undecided now so what are you gonna do?)

Going out for a meal, the price should appeal
To your wallet, food is down to half price
Everywhere is packed out which could cause you to doubt
If they’re heeding the current advice

I am delighted to say I have just booked today for an outdoor event, it sounds great
It costs £6 a car and it’s not very far, just off the M6 near South Lakes
A Kite Festival called Smile Factor 10, we hope for light wind and some sun
Picnics are welcome, in our 5 metre space with the grandkids we aim to have fun
Outdoor entertainment, a thing of the past, should raise our low spirits ‘sky high’
A change for the best, a high level Fest, we can’t wait to give it a try

The Glorious 12th will go ahead, some changes though this year
Tweed caps and plus fours are the norm but added to the gear
Face coverings, complying with the rulings of the house
The beaters may not like it but they have no cause to ‘grouse’

Steamed up glasses still a pain, well, here’s the latest tip
A folded tissue under your mask could remedy the blip
I am told that those with hearing aids are having problems too
If you know of a simple cure I would like to hear from you

When temperatures are high I’m sure we all know what to do
But our Nanny State is acting as if we haven’t got a clue
Warning Posters stuck on billboards, instructions we don’t need
To cope with Summer, we’ll get by and know just what to heed
Wear a sunhat, use Sunscreen, drink lots of H20
I have added well-known words by Noel Coward, see below
“Mad Dogs and Englishmen go out in the Mid- day sun”
Please do not be one of those, sunstroke is no fun!!!

WEEK 22

We decided to water the garden, plants were wilting, the pots were bone dry
They had said it would rain but there was no sign and we didn’t want our plants to die
We gave them a really good soaking, in no time they looked in good form
We should not have bothered ‘cos during the night we suffered one heck of a storm
Thunder and lightning like you’ve never seen plus torrents and torrents of rain
Our shed is marooned, it looks like the Ark, we must wait for the flooding to drain

On waking last Saturday morning I looked in the mirror, Oh my!
For some mysterious reason I had developed a very black eye
I have not had a fight with Mike Tyson, it’s a while since I had a street brawl
So all I can say, if you see me today, I just can’t explain it at all
The ads on TV have been changing but they still drive me mad anyway
I don’t wish to buy a new sofa, even though I could sit there all day
But that is not good for your blood flow, you must move every once in a while
Or you may need to take the advantage of a new cream they’re selling for piles

Hooray! they have opened casinos, but to be a success could be hard
What I’d like to know is how it will go when you can’t even touch your own cards

The beech hedge just outside our window is alive with house sparrows galore
But we decided to attract a variety, they were becoming a bit of a bore
So we bought different seed which was costly, some exotic birds to entice
Well to date it has made a small difference, a starling, a wren and two mice!!!

What a fiasco for all those poor families who had booked for a ‘vacance en france’
All of a sudden they are returning, they don’t want to leave it to chance
The ‘about turn’ was sprung on them swiftly, it created a bad situation
If they can’t beat the deadline, unfortunately, they must go into self isolation
The queues for the ferry are frantic, same for the Eurostar too
I’m so glad we decided to stay in UK, as things stand it’s the best thing to do

WEEK 22/23 (Because even poets need a holiday!)

We set off just a week ago to visit the North East
The weather on the Motorway was not fit for man nor beast
Climbing Shap behind the trucks on such a horrid day
You could hardly see the Granite Works for all the clouds of spray
When we arrived in Lucker, a handy place to stay
I’m glad to say the weather had improved along the way
The sun was out, the wind had dropped, everything was fine
We sat out in the garden and enjoyed a glass of wine
Bamburgh was our first call, a wonderful place to be
With a castle overlooking golden sands and rolling seas
Dozens of happy families, sand castles galore
Flying kites and rock pooling, you couldn’t ask for more
The road signs entertained me, with some strange sounding names
Here’s a list of just a few, I hope you feel the same
Spott and Drem and Wallyford, Oxgangs and Conundrum
Duddo, Reston , Skaterow and also Little Pinkerton
Duns. Loughend and Twizell, Shilbottle, Ogle too
But we didn’t go to Kilham, with a name like that would you?
The weather did deteriorate by the middle of the week
We found places we could go indoors and one particular treat
Was in Alnwick town, called Barter Books in a disused railway station
Where a toy train chugged above the shelves, and to add to the occasion
The café in the waiting room served speciality food galore
Northumberland Rarebit was my choice, it left me wanting more
On our last day our route was fraught with road diversions galore
And add to this the floods caused by the rain the night before
We followed the signs quite carefully but this did not do much good
Our remaining option was a road where they were pumping out the floods
The driver “indicated” that to drive on we could not
From the look upon his face I christened him “The dour Scot”
I am baffled by something odd about the Summer Proms situation
Surely they can’t leave out the songs loved by the British nation
And banning a live audience too though distanced properly
If music be the food of love we need it desperately!

WEEK 24

We’ve had our hols, life is ‘normal’ now, whatever that might mean
But one day last week I lost the plot, let me set the scene
Whilst on the bus to Lancaster, all masked up, fit to roam
I realised, Oh! Silly me, I had left my purse at home
At least I had my bus pass, but not a penny could I spend
It was the cheapest shopping trip I’ve ever taken in the end
Our Library is re-opening next Wednesday, I can’t wait
I read all the books I’d borrowed at a most impressive rate
I bought lots more from the charity shops and now it could be said
That I can surely be considered as a woman who’s ‘well-read’
Whilst visiting Chillingham Castle, a really ancient place
At the entrance I encountered a young lady face to face
I remarked upon the weather vane and asked “Is that a bat?”
She confirmed it was and really knew the history off pat
I asked “Are you a Castle Guide?”, if only I had known!
“Oh no “, she answered “Actually, this is my family home”!
16 weeks to Christmas and the cards have gone on sale
It takes away the pleasure, by December it feels stale
We might not have a Christmas, Hayes have cancelled Santa’s Grotto
Choirs can’t sing carols, no large parties to get blotto
No fireworks on bonfire night, when we really need some sparkle
Whatever will they cancel next in the pandemic debacle?
No Telegraph today, what next, no puzzle section too
The environmental rebels have caused a serious to-do
And a turnabout re the “Proms Last Night”, a slightly puzzling thing
Rule Britannia will be played and you are allowed to sing
But you must do this at home so it won’t cause too much trouble
As the orchestra and soloist will be safe in their own bubble
The Scots have been busy ‘faking it’ and printing their own money
20 Pound notes spent in Cornwall were looking rather funny
The forger obviously could not spell, his brain was badly tuned
Instead of printing 20 Pound he had spelt it 20 Poond

WEEK 25

Went to the Potfest last Sunday at Hutton in the Forest
Don’t get me wrong, no, not the drug, but pottery at it’s finest
It poured with rain, the mud was deep, but what had we to lose
Not quite as much as the lady who was wearing her white shoes
But we were both well kitted out and fit to face the weather
Ten minutes on the sun came out, the rain stopped altogether
Groups of 6, oh! not again, just when life was moving on
Our optimism shattered, our zest for life has gone
Going shopping, what a lark, please enter two by two
It’s a little bit like Noah’s ark, but it’s something we must do
An important letter came today from London Imperial College
I thought perhaps they’d heard of me and my considerable knowledge
But I was disappointed, it seems that they’re just sending me
A Covid-19 testing kit, but hang on, could it be
That I’d be part of ‘moonshot’, I did not hesitate
I signed upon the dotted line and now I need to wait
For a swab kit, which I’ll have to use to test my throat and nose
Causing ‘mild short-lived discomfort’ but really I suppose
For a trip to space it really is a very small price to pay
I cannot wait for lift-off, that is all that I can say
The variety of facemasks increases by the day
I just use a basic one but in the Telegraph today
Was a Louis Vuitton visor shield, at a price that just astounds
If you would like to buy one it will cost £750
Students going to Oxford to increase their wealth of knowledge
Have to sign a form to say they’ll hold no parties in their college
No freshers week, no boozy trips, no late night reveling
Perhaps they could meet up via Zoom, the very latest thing

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